PLUS: NORTHERN IRELAND LEADERS ARE BORDERLINE
By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, Raving Reporters
April 6, 2019
GRAND CANYON, AZ (RUETERS) – Federal officials are taking unprecedented action to protect Grand Canyon visitors in the wake of several hundred recent “deaths-by-selfie” — building a 2,600-mile wall along the perimeter of America’s most popular national park.
“We don’t take this step lightly,” said Dan Smith, acting director of the National Park Service. “First we considered requiring all visitors to wear helmets. But we couldn’t find the budget for it.
“And, let’s face it, a helmet isn’t going to save you after a 3,000-foot swan dive to the bottom. A fence was the only way we knew to keep these foreign and American dumb-asses from ‘picturing’ themselves going over the edge,” Smith said.
A 67-year-old California man was the most recent victim of his own stupidity when he fell over a ledge two days ago during a selfie-taking session at the canyon. His was the third death in eight days at the popular Arizona tourist destination, and the 735th this year, park officials said.
The man has not been identified, Smith told Rueters. “Even dental records aren’t much help when you plummet half a mile straight into a boulder. They call it terminal velocity for a reason, son.”
A week earlier, a Hong Kong tourist plunged to his death after slipping over a ledge while taking photographs at a Grand Canyon lookout, a tour operator said.
The tourist, believed to be in his 50s, was taking photos during a mid-morning stop at the Eagle Point overlook on land owned by the Hualapai tribe when he slipped and fell, a tribal spokesman said. “Who’s going to clean up that mess? Oh sure. Leave it to the Native Americans. We don’t mind,” he complained. “Christ, absolutely no fucking consideration for the property owners.”
Smith of the NPS told Rueters the service had declared a “national emergency” to allocate virtually all of its remaining FY 2019 budget toward construction of the estimated $25 billion canyon wall, a 15-foot concrete structure. “It’ll be our big, beautiful wall,” Smith said.
“Actually, we’ve already started building it,” he said. “It’s going to be terrific, really great. The wall will be paid for, directly or indirectly, or through longer-term reimbursement, by Mexican tourists. Mexico has a ridiculous $71 billion dollar tourism surplus with the U.S. The cost of the Grand Canyon wall is peanuts compared to what Mexico makes from our citizens visiting there.”
IF THE EMPEROR HADRIAN COULD BUILD ONE TO KEEP OUT THE SCOTS, WHY CAN’T THE NORTH KEEP OUT THE IRISH?
Meanwhile, across the Atlantic, embroiled in the three-year-old Brexit mess — in fact, right in the middle of it — is the issue of the open border between the Republic of Ireland, which is staying in the European Union, and pro-Brexit Northern Ireland, part of the United Kingdom.
In order to stop the free flow of immigrants from the EU via Ireland into Northern Ireland (and rest of the UK), the Northern Ireland Assembly has hit upon a modern application of an ancient solution. You guessed it, another goddamn wall.
“China’s had one for thousands of years,” Northern Ireland Secretary of State Karen Bradley told Rueters. “The Germans were very proud of their Berlin Wall which prevented West Berliners from escaping into the communist East for nearly 30 years. Walls work. They serve an important function in keeping undesirables out.”
Northern Ireland, which hasn’t had a functioning government in more than two years, nevertheless has found enough in its cash reserves to fund the $15,000, 310-mile stone wall. “Stone’s cheap,” said the secretary. “We got plenty of it, certainly enough to stretch from one side of the country to the other. If the Romans could do it, so can we.”
Ms. Bradley said Northern Irelanders were tired of “the masses” pouring into their homeland through Ireland. She told Rueters, “They are not our friends, believe me. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.”
The Roman Emperor Hadrian had a wall built in 128 AD, stretching 73 miles along the border between Scotland and England specifically to keep the marauding Scots out of Roman-controlled England.
Northern Irish leaders say they’re confident they can economically build a stone wall along the border between their homeland and the Republic of Ireland, complete with armed security for keeping unwanted immigrants from flooding into the country. (Photos by Rueters)
When asked who would build the wall for Northern Ireland, Ms. Bradley answered, “That’s absolutely no problem. Thanks to being in the EU, we’ve got a ton of cheap labor here: Poles, Maltese, Lithuanians, the odd Italian or two. They’re all pretty good with stone, too, it turns out.
“We just have to make sure when they finish their work with the wall they’re on the Ireland side,” she quipped.