October 24, 2022

By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, On the Road to Finland

“Democracy Dies in Darkness…But It Can Stand Up to Rockets and Threats of Nuclear Fallout”

MOSCOW (Rueters) – Russian President Vladimir Putin, failing and flailing in his eight-month “special military operation” in Ukraine, has authorized the army to create a new, highly mobile mechanized unit and to man it with conscripted veterans of the Great Patriotic War against Nazi Germany, a Kremlin source told Rueters.

“These guys proved just how tough they were 80 years ago,” Putin told his defence minister in a closed meeting last week, Rueters has learned. “A lot of them know the terrain in Ukraine and will be a valuable example of cunning and courage to the younger conscripts.”

Assigned to the renowned Russian Battalion Tactical Group, the new “lightning fast and furious” mobile unit will be designated “Yeda na Kolesakh,” translated as “Meals on Wheels,” an army source told Rueters.

Despite the army’s desperate need to conscript 98-year-old men for the war in Ukraine, Defence Ministry officials insist its efforts to add another 300,000 men to the “coffin-filler in the west” is otherwise going quite well. A spokesman showed these photos (below) to a Rueters correspondent, proof of what he called overwhelming support for Putin’s pledge to “de-Nazify” the so-called corrupt Ukrainian leadership.

Putin Takes Inevitable Next Step: Renaming Four Illegally Annexed Ukrainian Regions

MOSCOW (Rueters) – Ignoring the advice of his inner circle to leave well enough alone, Russian President Vladimir Putin within the past 24 hours has moved to rename the four Ukrainian regions he illegally annexed last month, Rueters has learned exclusively.

Said a Kremlin source, “We never liked the names and never intended to leave them in place. They’re Ukrainian names, afterall, but now they should receive proper Russian designations.”

Putin told his Cabinet this past weekend he has decided to rename the regions quickly, before Ukraine’s army completely retakes the combined 35,000 square miles of Donetsk, Luhansk, Kherson and Zaporizhzhia.

In a ceremony planned for later this week, the Kremlin source said, Putin will rename the still-Ukrainian regions “in honor of four men whose untiring efforts in recent years have enhanced the greatness of Mother Russia.”

Donetsk, a battleground since Russia’s takeover of Crimea in 2014, will be renamed in honor of the Orange Menace: Dontrumpsk.

Luhansk, another region where Russia-backed separatists have fought Ukrainian troops for nearly a decade, will be renamed in honor of Trump’s loyal, but totally discredited, personal attorney: Rudygrad

Kherson, an early win for the Russian army but now likely to be retaken by Ukrainian regiments, will be renamed in honor of new Russian citizen Edward Snowden whose decision to hand over highly classified documents to foreign adversaries caused “grave damage” to US national security and may have led to the deaths of Americans overseas. Congrats, Eddie!

Zaporizhzhia, a new name to Americans following the war in Ukraine and site of some of its most intense fighting, will be named in honor of the man who caused it all: Vladville. (Putin reportedly told a Kremlin insider he didn’t think it was fair to himself to miss out on such an important honor.)

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