Harry, We’re Begging You! Shut Up and Go Home!

January 25, 2023

By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, Modeling ‘Casa de los Santos’ New Line of Eye Makeup

“Democracy Dies in Darkness…and in Kevin McCarthy’s Playbook”

WASHINGTON (Rueters) – Assaulted by Prince Harry and his American wife Meghan Markle’s television specials and tell-all tales in the autobiography “Spare,” the US public is now letting pollsters know enough is enough, Rueters has learned.

A Rueters-Ipsos poll says Americans by a four-to-one margin want the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, who moved to Los Angeles in early 2020, to stop their whining, pack up their belongings and head back to “Old Blighty” with an estimated $50 million or more in earnings from airing their complaints about the planet’s best known dysfunctional family.

Reaction to Harry’s recent best seller has been mixed, at best, generating a counter-narrative out this week written by members of the royal household plus the couple’s former friends, Hollywood colleagues, military companions and other contributors under the name “Anonymous.”

“I will be brief. Your noble son is mad.” Act 2, Scene 2, Hamlet — Wm Shakespeare, Columbia, MO

A Random House insider recently told Rueters the publisher of “Spare” was committed to telling “the rest of the story,” a line popularized during World War II by broadcasting legend Paul Harvey. “And here we are, launching ‘Spare Me!’ so Americans will understand these are not victims we’re talking about. They’re cry-baby Millennials who’ve made more that $50 million from our first book and maybe another $100 million from a Netflix deal they’ve signed.

“Who in their right mind would bother with their story — in a book or a tv series — if it hadn’t been, in Harry’s case, anyway, an accident of birth?”

A spokesman for Random House told Rueters, “Anonymous wants to set the record straight about a number of tales Harry and Meghan are telling” in “Spare,” adding that “Spare Me!” is how the group of a dozen or so contributors chose to fight for clarity and the real story.

“Harry writes that his brother William decked him. Never happened,” one royal household contributor to “Spare Me!” told Rueters. “Harry kicked ol’ Bill in the bollocks – when he wasn’t expecting it. There was no real fight.”

Another tale told by Harry was how many Taliban insurgents he killed during two tours in Afghanistan. “Total bullshit,” an anonymous British military source told Rueters. “Maybe in (the video game) Call of Duty he got that many, but British command wouldn’t let the ‘spare heir’ get anyway near danger. And why would he say that? To impress us he’s a tough guy? He’s a fantasist, a rich fantasist.”

Pre-orders of “Spare Me!” have been brisk, even outpacing early sales of the original, according to Random House. “This may be a good (business) model for us. Publish what the royal family is unhappy about, then publish the rest of the story,” a spokesman said.

BRITISH SPACEPORT EXECS, BRANSON HAVE SOME APOLOGISING — AND EXPLAINING — TO DO

“Newquay, we have a problem”

DUBLIN (Rueters) – It seemed a good idea at the time: dropping the LauncherOne rocket with its payload of low-orbit satellites from a Virgin 747 jumbo jet in the general direction of Ireland to catch the air currents flowing west across the Atlantic.

However, executives at Cornwall Spaceport, located at Newquay Airport on the southwest English coast, know better now. “We thought it would go as smoothly as a fresh trifle,” a spaceport engineer shortly after the launch earlier this month told Rueters on the condition of anonymity. “The rocket was attached to (Richard) Branson’s Virgin jumbo jet which took off perfectly. Then…..”

Then, it turned out, once LauncherOne detached from below the wing of the 747, it never achieved proper orbit as intended to safely and accurately deploy a total of nine communications satellites.

The engineer told Rueters that spaceport execs decided to tell the media, who provided live coverage of the launch, “the whole thing (LauncherOne) went straight to the bottom of the Atlantic, according to our calculation. No harm, no foul, mate.”

About the same time as the news conference, however, Spaceport Managing Director Sir Laurence of Dorset received a phone call. “It was from Ireland,” another employee confessed to Rueters. “More specifically, Trinity College. The university’s administration wanted to know who was going to clean up this bloody mess and, by the way, why choose Ireland for your goddamn flight path?”

Branson and Sir Laurence in a second hastily called news conference issued a formal apology to the university administration and Irish leaders, promising the next launch of the LauncherOne rocket would be aimed in the general direction of Watford, some 15 miles northwest of London. “The air currents aren’t very strong there,” Sir Laurence told reporters, “but at least if LauncherOne goes down in that location, no one is likely to complain. Might even spruce up the place.”

Queens for a Day? Santos Claims ‘Boys Just Want to Have Fun’; McCarthy, Trump Jump on Board New Venture

WASHINGTON (Rueters) – Beleaguered GOP House Rep. George Santos of Long Island is fending off accusations that his so-called business experience — touted during his election campaign — consisted of running a Florida investment scam, Harbor City, that was in actuality a Ponzi scheme. The FEC wants to know the source of his large campaign contributions and what connection it could have to his illegal brokerage activities, sources have confirmed to Rueters.

“The timing of this trouble couldn’t be worse,” he told Rueters exclusively. “I’m trying to launch a line of cosmetics that I developed with friends in Brazil.”

Santos, 34, at first denied he was a onetime liberal drag queen, acting under the stage name Kitara Ravache, as his former friends in Brazil told Rueters and other news outlets, and that he was a popular attraction in numerous clubs in and around Rio de Janeiro ten years ago.

But sensing yet another business opportunity, the now-conservative Republican and new House member said it was time to trumpet the launch of his new line of makeup, “Gorgeous George.” And who can disagree?

Santos insists it can help even the manliest of men fulfill their feminine fantasies:

US House Speaker Kevin McCarthy, R-Calif, seen here last week with ex-president Donald Trump at private launch of George Santos’s “Gorgeous George” line of makeup and colorful wigs. (Photo by Fuzzy Koppelman Images)

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