October 9, 2022

By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, Last Seen Driving Fiat 500 Across Putin’s Bridge

“Democracy Dies in Darkness…Let’s Add Trump Tower, Bedminster Golf Club to List”

Washington (Rueters) – US intelligence officials have long suspected Russian President Vladimir Putin with having a direct hand in the creative – though uniformly mysterious – recent deaths of billionaire oligarchs who’ve publicly expressed anger and frustration at his failed efforts to destroy Ukraine.

At last count, these officials told Rueters, nearly two dozen of the richest and most corrupt men on the planet have died under suspicious circumstances. No formal inquiries by Russian law enforcement have been launched and neither have investigations been conducted when the deaths occurred outside Russia, Rueters has learned.

Now sources have shared with Rueters a top-ten list of how the one-time KGB agent-turned-president is disposing of big-money dissenters, all of whom contributed over the past 20 years to building Putin’s vast personal wealth, estimated at more than $200 billion.

10. Hospital Visit Goes Horribly Wrong

9. Running With The Hippos

8. Bungee Falling

7. A Visit To Lion Country

6. This Water Will End Your Thirst

5. A Weekend With The Berbers

4. Winner: Matador-For-A-Day Competition

3. Nile Cruise

2. Russian Mayo — New And Improved!

1. Congratulations, Comrade!!

NFL SCRAPS 70-YEAR-OLD PRO BOWL, CITES DECLINING TV RATINGS, LACK OF PLAYER INTEREST; LEAGUE PROMISES EXCITING “SKILLS COMPETITION” TO DRAW YOUNGER FANS; YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW CORN HOLING HAS CHANGED

NEW YORK (Rueters) – Faced with dramatically declining television ratings and general apathy among the game’s top talent, the National Football League has scrapped the seven-decades-old Pro Bowl, replacing it with what league officials said would be “grueling, skills-based competition.”

Students at Long Neck Middle School in Millsboro, Del., told Rueters, however, they were dubious about the replacement games just announced by the NFL. “Red Rover? Corn Holing? Are you serious?” exclaimed one student who gave his name as Jim Bob. “This is what America’s Game has come to?”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell on Friday told a news conference to announce the changes that while pro hockey, baseball and basketball players worked hard to be named to an all-star game, the same hasn’t been true in professional football for decades. “They (players) finish the season. They go home or take a long vacation. They don’t want to get hit anymore, especially in an exhibition game where they could get hurt,” Goodell said. “So, we’ve come up with some original and exciting ways to feature the players’ outstanding physical skills without risking injury.”

In addition to featuring “the new, exciting sports challenging players all around the country, like corn holing and pickleball,” Goodell said, “some fan favorites will be making a comeback, as well.”

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