January 7, 2023

By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, Refereeing GOP Fistfights in the House

“Democracy Dies in Darkness…and With Freedom Caucus Calling the Shots”

SANTOS ANNOUNCES HE’S WINNER OF 2023 PULITZER PRIZE FOR FICTION

WASHINGTON (Rueters) – Newly sworn US House Rep. George Santos (R-NY), renowned “Jew-ish” descendant of Holocaust survivors, former standout investor at Goldman Sachs and Citicorp, summa cum laude graduate from Harvard, and Brazil’s No. 1 Most Wanted stolen-check writer, told congressional colleagues today he’s received word he has won this year’s prestigious Pulitzer Prize for Fiction.

The Pulitzer Board, which annually awards prizes for outstanding journalism, biography, history and fiction, has not commented publicly about Santos’s announcement but a source in the organization told Rueters, “This guy’s entire life story is a fiction. Awarding him a prize might just send the wrong signal to the public.”

Santos, 34, pictured left explaining he has “won” the prestigious writing prize, was first elected to Congress last November, flipping New York’s 3rd District from Democrat to Republican and helping the GOP secure a narrow majority in the House.

However, despite suspicions that large parts — that is, nearly all — of his resume was shamelessly fabricated, it is too late for voters to change their minds about sending the openly gay Latino grifter to Congress.

Barring Santos’s resignation, only a vote of two-thirds of House members can force him from the chamber, an unlikely scenario given that the Republican majority is but a handful of seats.

“It’s a sad day for our district,” one Long Island resident told Rueters. “If we had it to do over, we wouldn’t have sent him to represent us. How can we trust him? He’s an inveterate liar.”

A spokesman for Santos responded to the accusation, saying, “Congressman Santos has never served in the military. We’ve never claimed he was a veteran.”

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First Rule of (Mile-High) Fight Club: Don’t Let Passengers Make Calls from the Damn Plane!

WASHINGTON (Rueters) – The Federal Aviation Administration is considering following a move by the European Union to allow passengers to make phone calls from airliners, a move surely to be welcomed by anyone who doesn’t care how loud and obnoxious he or she is to surrounding victims of their bad behavior.

“Yes, we know that 5G is a revolution in wireless communication,” said a spokesperson for the 50,000-member Association of Flight Attendants. “And letting people text or surf the Net or send emails, that’s fine. But are we going to subject our passengers to assholes who don’t care how loud they are, or how long they talk? That’s just going to put crew and passengers alike in an awful situation.”

When technology empowers really — and we mean REALLY — bad behavior, really bad things can happen. FAA engineers not only will have to consider the technical drawbacks of potentially scores of passengers’ mobile phones interfering with an airplane’s comms, but the agency’s behavioral experts will need to look at how one idiot who refuses to use his “indoor voice” and yaks for most of the trip causes aggravation and a Fight Club mentality among his fellow passengers.

Rueters has learned former WWE chief executive Vince McMahon has contacted major US carriers about acquiring video rights to the fights certainly to come once 5G-based phone calls win FAA approval. “Can you imagine?” McMahon reportedly told United Airlines executives, “We can stream this shit and make a fortune. If you’re a plane passenger, you can even watch fights on your own flight — live. For a fee, of course.”

The friendly skies are getting ever more unfriendly.

When that Plot or Mausoleum for Uncle Jerry Is Just a Little Too Expensive, Go Organic!

ALBANY, NY (Rueters) – Despite vocal opposition from the funeral industry, New York Gov. Kathy Hochul has signed legislation permitting the conversion of human remains to compost, providing millions of state residents with their own path back to nature, an environmentally friendly “green burial method,” according to state experts.

The new guidelines officially legalize the composting of human remains, making New York the sixth state to approve of the practice.

Similar laws have already passed in California, Colorado, Oregon, Vermont and Washington.

Also referred to as “natural organic reduction” or “terramation,” the method involves placing a body inside a reusable pod alongside biodegradable plant materials (wood chips, straw, sawdust or alfalfa, for example) and storing it in a special facility for a month while bacteria and microbes break the body down. After about 30 days, Uncle Jerry will have turned into a cubic yard of compost that could then be “traditionally” buried in a cemetery or, perhaps, used to fertilize terrain, perhaps within a memorial garden or cabbage patch. 

Lake George resident D Wilcox (pictured above) wasted no time complying with New York’s new human composting law, he said, although there’s no mention in the legislation of using wood chippers to speed the composting process. “Oh, wood chips? Maybe I read that wrong, then,” he told Rueters.

Gomez Addams Jr, executive director New York’s funeral directors association, told Rueters, “This law is a travesty. Putting Grandma in a plastic bag and letting her rot for a month? What kind of sendoff is that?”

Remains to be seen, we guess.

WHY HOLLYWOOD STARS SHOULD LEAVE REAL WORKINGMAN’S WORK TO THE EXPERTS

RENO, NV (Rueters) – So what was Jeremy Renner, an Oscar-winning Hollywood movie star, thinking when he purchased a seven-ton Snow Cat for those big winter storms that come blowing in from California? That operating heavy machinery was his true calling? That there were no other options for keeping his driveway clear? That he had to be somewhere so important he couldn’t wait his turn to be dug out? That he just wanted to be a good neighbor?

No good deed goes unpunished, Jeremy.

Jeremy Renner, above left, at the wheel of his Snow Cat, a seven-ton powerhouse to be used only by highly trained, experienced drivers who know enough either to turn off the engine when leaving the cab, or, at least, put it in park. At right, image supplied by Reno Gazette Journal, shows how first responders found Renner on Jan. 1st after his Snow Cat rode over him and shot him into a nearby field. Doctors told Rueters that Renner changed from a medium shirt size to extra small in an instant.

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