April 3, 2022

By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, Vying for Lead Role in ‘GI Jane2′

“Democracy Dies in Darkness…But Not in the Hearts of Ukrainians”

LOS ANGELES (Rueters) – Actor Will Smith’s infamous “slap heard round the world” at last Sunday’s Academy Awards has inspired millions of his fans from the Americas to Europe to Asia to copy him in settling short-term disputes and long-held grudges, according to school and law enforcement authorities surveyed by Rueters.

Smith “just smacked the shit out of me” comedian Chris Rock told thousands in the audience and millions watching on television as the former “Fresh Prince” marched onto the Oscars stage, where Rock was getting ready to announce a winner in the Best Documentary category, and loudly slapped him with a large, opened right hand to Rock’s left cheek.

“Slap Heard Round the World” at the Oscars last Sunday. Actor Will Smith, who refused to leave the ceremony after attacking comedian Chris Rock — presumably because he was still hoping win Best Actor — was angry because Rock made a joke at Smith’s wife’s expense. This is how gentlemen defend their honor, or so Smith’s legions of fans think. (Rueters photos)

But Smith wasn’t done with Rock after his so-called “sucker slap.” Irritated by a stupid joke the comedian made about his wife, Jada Pinkett Smith, moments earlier, Smith yelled from his seat to the stunned comedian — twice — “Keep my wife’s name out of your fucking mouth.”

According to school officials in California and elsewhere in the US, Smith’s young fans who adore his performances in “Aladdin,” “Independence Day,” “I Am Legend,” “Men in Black,” “Bad Boys,” and so many others, have created a new term for quieting opponents, “Smith ’em,” a kind of sucker punch with an open hand to the other guy’s face, one school district superintendent told Rueters. “We’re seeing this reaction everywhere.”

“Smith ’em” has quickly won popularity among young adults, too, law enforcement officials told Rueters.

Random acts of dispute resolution, known as “Smith ’em’s,” are picking up steam in Brooklyn, according to an NYPD spokesman, who added, “This idiot (Smith) doesn’t realize how kids and young people look up to him. We have enough to do here without seeing assaults of this nature explode. Use your words, people. Wouldn’t it have been much better if Smith had stayed quiet or just yelled at Rock from his seat?”

World Opens Its Factories and Old Garages for Ukraine

KYIV, Ukraine (Rueters) – As charismatic Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelenskyy beseeches world powers, large and small, for aid in combatting the Russian invasion force, nations around the globe are digging deep to find vehicles — some new, some not so much — that can be used against Ukraine’s much stronger opponent.

But several military analysts interviewed by Rueters have said they’re not certain that all contributions coming from nations that want to assist the onetime Soviet territory are exactly what is needed. “I’m sure Zelenskyy appreciates the support, but someone ought to be clearer on exactly what Ukraine needs,” one analyst told Rueters on condition of anonymity.

Shortly after Zelenskyy addressed the Australian parliament this week, the country’s leadership promised the Ukrainian president a shipment of their all-purpose “Bushmaster” armored vehicles.

“While we don’t know exactly how many Australia has promised of these vehicles, you can get a feel for their lethality,” another analyst told Rueters.

Zelenskyy’s appeals to other countries throughout Europe, Africa and Asia may not have been quite as successful, however, at least in terms of what those nations have set aside for Ukraine’s battle for survival. “We’ll take anything at this point,” a senior aide to Zelenskyy said.

Here’s a look at the variety of vehicles that several countries will be sending to Ukraine in April, according to sources inside the Kyiv government:

Germany, which initially promised Ukraine some 5,000 helmets to hold back the Russians, has hit upon a way of disposing of nearly 10,000 Trabants (left) inherited from East Germany in 1989 after the Berlin Wall came down. The Czech Republic and Slovakia each have been stuck for decades with thousands of unsold Yugos (center). After a direct appeal to both governments by Zellenskyy, the vehicles once branded ‘Worst Car in the World’ (a title taken from the Trabant) are now headed to Ukraine. Germany continues to search for ways it can help. A recently uncovered graveyard for VW “bugs” (right) has government leaders excited about what else they can clean up and throw at the Russians. (Rueters photos)

Smaller nations outside Europe are doing what they can to answer Zelenskyy’s appeals for help, as well. The Ghanian government has agreed to send several dozen of its all-purpose troop transport, the “Turtle,” left, while the Philippines has identified nearly 100 of its popular Jeepneys to be used in the movements of Ukrainian militia. Neither government has asked for its vehicles to be returned, Ukraine defense authorities confirmed. (Rueters photos)

NATO members Great Britain and Italy may be scraping the bottom of their mutual barrels when it comes to lending military support as the Russia-Ukraine war enters its second month, analysts have advised Rueters.

Smith, Mickelson Collaborate, Establish Special Club for Disgraced Celebrities

ST. AUGUSTINE, Fla. (Rueters) — Golf Hall of Famer Phil Mickelson and recent Best Actor recipient Will Smith have decided “there’s no point in fighting stupid,” golf and Hollywood insiders have told Rueters, and instead will make the most of their shattered reputations by starting an exclusive club for celebrities whose idiotic and sometimes criminal actions have destroyed their careers and legacies.

Mickelson, 51, has been shunned by professional golf, especially the PGA Tour and his former sponsors, for working to establish a rival golf league using Saudi Arabia investment funds. While acknowledging Saudi’s abysmal human rights record, Mickelson nevertheless insisted getting into bed with the Saudis was worth it if it would force the PGA Tour to make changes to provide him and fellow players more money. Mickelson, who will not play next week in the Masters for the first time in 28 years, has been earning about $50 million per year recently and has a net worth estimated at $400 million.

Smith, 53, destroyed the Oscars ceremonies with his so-called “slap heard round the world” when he assaulted comedian Chris Rock on live television — in front of a global audience of 20 million viewers — after Rock made a stupid joke about Smith’s wife, Jada. Smith resigned Friday from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Science just days before he was very likely to be kicked out. He’s worth an estimated $500 million and isn’t likely to miss a mortgage payment.

By coincidence, the pair became friends after meeting early in their respective careers on the set of the 2000 movie “The Legend of Bagger Vance.” Smith played the caddie Bagger Vance; the up-and-coming golf phenom “Lefty” was hired to teach the young movie star how to properly carry a golf bag.

The purpose of the exclusive fallen-star organization — membership by invitation only — is not quite clear, but writers covering professional sports, politics and Hollywood scandals speculate its diverse array of members will feel at home with one another.

Though not official, the working title for the new group will be RIP, the “Reputation In Pieces” Club.

“Listen, these two idiots have managed to turn stellar careers that made each of them fabulously rich into bomb craters,” a member of the Professional Golf Writers Association told Rueters. “Who else wants to hang with them today other than people whose stupidity has ruined their careers and lives, too? It’ll be interesting to see who they first invite to join RIP. It’s a huge group to select from.”

From the sports world, writers are speculating that OJ Simpson, Lance Armstrong, Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens are almost certainly going in the first round of invitations. From the news and entertainment worlds, journalists have told Rueters they expect Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby (even though he got off on a technicality), Kevin Spacey, Matt Lauer, Charlie Rose, Louie CK, Bill O’Reilly, Milli Vanilli, and R Kelly to be invited. Former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle, who’s serving a 15-year sentence on child pornography and child sex abuse charges, could be invited to join, “but he won’t be able to attend any meetings for a while,” a crime reporter said.

Other possible invitees from the entertainment world include actor Jeffrey Tambor of “Arrested Development” and “Transparent” fame, mostly for being a dick, and actresses Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman who served time for illegally buying admission to prestigious universities for their moron kids. Charlie Sheen probably deserves an invitation, a Hollywood Reporter writer told Rueters. “But for certain he doesn’t give a shit.”

Politics will have its representatives, too, reporters covering Washington, DC have told Rueters. “The obvious one would be Trump,” one senior editor at The New York Times said. “Then you’ve got to consider what Rudy Giuliani did to his reputation by supporting Trump, and Lindsey Graham (R-SC), and Ted Cruz (R-TX), too. How many times have I heard, what happened to those guys? They have no reputation to speak of any longer.”

The RIP Club may establish headquarters in Washington, DC, assistants to Smith and Mickelson told Rueters. “There’s plenty of potential members coming here every year, it seems. Matt Gaetz, Marjorie Taylor Greene, for example. Their invitations will come — in time,” a DC-based journalist told Rueters.

YALE MED TEAMS UP WITH MAJOR BRANDS TO RECOVER EMBEZZLED $40.5 MILLION!!!

212-Year-Old National Institution in Critical Financial Condition After Eight-Year Scam Run by Trusted Financial Manager!!

USA’s Sixth Oldest Medical School Turns to Best Buy, Big Lots!, CarMax, Realtor.Com, Lane Bryant, Others for Assistance!

In Face of Scandal, Board of Directors Vows It Will No Longer Allow Quinnipiac U’s “Beginning Accounting” Students To Audit Yale Medical School’s Books

NEW HAVEN, Conn. (Rueters) – Following a guilty plea to fraud and tax offenses entered Monday by a former Yale School of Medicine employee, university administrators have turned to major companies for help in recovering some of its $40.5 million stolen over nearly a decade.

The former employee, Jamie Petrone-Codrington, pleaded guilty in Hartford federal court, the U.S. Department of Justice announced. Prosecutors told the court that Petrone-Codrington, who started working at the medical school in 2008, was a financial manager with authority to make and authorize purchases up to $10,000 for departmental needs. Beginning as early as 2013, prosecutors said, Petrone-Codrington illegally purchased and resold the computer hardware and software using funds from the School of Medicine.

Law enforcement was tipped off last year by someone who spotted the administrator loading computers into the back of her 2014 Mercedes Benz G550 SUV (similar to model seen at left with MSRP of $115,000).

In total, Petrone-Codrington caused a loss of approximately $40,504,200 to Yale and a loss of $6,416,618 to the U.S. Treasury. “Remember Al Capone,” a prosecutor said. “The US government chucked his ass into Alcatraz for not paying taxes. Turns out, even if your income is from illegal sources, you still have to pay taxes on it.” Hardly seems worth the effort.

With profits from her illicit business, Petrone-Codrington also purchased a 2017 Land Rover Range Rover Sv Autobiography, a 2015 Cadillac Escalade Premium, a 2020 Mercedes Benz Model E450A, a 2016 Cadillac Escalade and a 2018 Dodge Charger. She also has agreed to liquidate three Connecticut properties that she owns or co-owns to help satisfy her restitution obligation. A property she owns in Georgia is also subject to seizure and liquidation.

Med School sources told Rueters this week that Best Buy has agreed to sell any equipment and software recovered from Petrone-Codrington’s purchasers and return all proceeds to the university. Similarly, Big Lots! has agreed to accept and resell at a deep discount any furniture and other household items taken from Petrone-Codrington’s Connecticut and Georgia homes.

CarMax is cooperating, as well, school sources told Rueters. “They’re really stepping up for us. They expect to quickly sell each vehicle and send the money directly to us. For those luxury SUVs, we should be talking a few hundred thousand.”

Realtor.Com has offered Yale Med its services selling the illegally obtained houses at no commission, allowing the school to pocket the full sales price. Likewise, Lane Bryant, the women’s clothing store chain, has agreed to re-sell at discounted prices “closets and closets full” of Petrone-Codrington’s wardrobe.

“It’s the least we can do to help rescue one of America’s greatest medical institutions,” said a senior executive with Sycamore Partners, parent of Lane Bryant. “And we have no doubt our customers will simply adore Ms. Petrone-Codrington’s colorful pastels and polyesters.”

Petrone-Codrington will be sentenced in federal court in June. Currently she is free on bail but faces up to 23 years in federal prison on the fraud and tax charges. Hardly seems worth the effort.

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