American Astronaut Abandoned on International Space Station by Angry Russian Cosmonauts!!!
Frank “The Rock” Morris Imitates Grandfather’s Remarkable Escape Using US Flag as Parasail!!
Lands in Hooters Parking Lot in Daytona Beach; Tells Reporters He Wanted Beer After Perilous 254-Mile Descent from Outer Space!
April 12, 2022
By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, Spent Masters Weekend with John Daly
“Democracy Dies in Darkness…But Not in Future NATO Member Finland”
CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. (Rueters) – US astronaut Frank Morris, whose grandfather and namesake pulled off the unprecedented “Escape from Alcatraz” 60 years ago, returned safely yesterday from space after being abandoned by angry Russian cosmonauts and left to perish aboard the International Space Station (ISS).
In what will become a world record unlikely to be exceeded, Morris parasailed 254 miles from the ISS to Daytona Beach, Fla, landing in the parking lot of a Hooters restaurant where he was bought several beers by astonished onlookers.
“You can get damned thirsty cruising through outer space,” the 42 year-old spaceman told reporters between bottles of “Spacewalker” beer before NASA police retrieved him and his parasail and whisked them off to Cape Canaveral for a debriefing.
The parasail, fashioned from a giant silk US flag Morris brought aboard the ISS six months ago, “saved my life,” he said. “How else was I going to get back?”
Morris told the Hooters crowd his three Russian colleagues aboard the space station had been friendly, at least until Russian forces invaded Ukraine last month and the US implemented severe sanctions as punishment for Vladimir Putin’s “special military operation.”
“These guys went from being my best buds to worst nightmares almost overnight,” Morris said. The cosmonauts aboard the space station were angered by their families’ suffering under the severe American and European sanctions, he said.
“One of the guys said his father was angry because he couldn’t buy any more Tito’s Vodka and he had to resort to drinking Russian piss,” Morris explained. “Plus, Putin told these guys to come home and leave the fucking American to starve. So they did. And I don’t know what happened to the three guys from Ukraine. They just up and disappeared.”
NASA authorities confirmed that Russia secretly dispatched a space transport to retrieve the cosmonauts but the US space agency was unable to alert Morris to the plot. NASA partner European Space Agency has launched a search for three Ukrainian astronauts who mysteriously missed their ride home in early March.
“The Russians couldn’t leave (the ISS) without my knowing,” Morris later told reporters. “The living space isn’t that big. But it was three to one, and I was told I wasn’t joining them. One of those assholes told me, as he left for the transport, ‘Sanction this, Cowboy.’ I knew I was screwed. The Russians also disabled the oxygen machine, which meant I wouldn’t have time to starve. I’d be dead long before from lack of air.”
With only a couple of hours of oxygen left in the station, Morris said, he knew he had to move quickly or he would end up a corpse in space.
“I asked myself what would Grandfather Frank do? He had time to plan his escape from ‘The Rock,’ and I didn’t have much. But if he had the guts to try — and survive in the cold waters of San Francisco Bay — then I had to try to escape and live to tell about it. So here I am,” Frank Morris’s grandson said.
Astrophysicists have told Rueters they’re astonished Morris lived to tell the tale. “First, we didn’t think it possible to parasail in a void, but somehow he managed to point himself in the right direction. Second, he was lucky to miss all that space debris.”
NASA estimated “The Rock’s” journey to Daytona Beach took about six hours, although the last 10 miles went the fastest. Morris was able to control and slow his descent enough to prevent barbequing himself in the skies above Florida, engineers marveled.
Morris said he was careful to control the pace of his trip home, aligning his progress with the rotation of Earth. “I didn’t want to land in Mother Russia or somewhere in the fucking Andes,” he said. “Florida is very recognizable from space and I know its east coast well enough to find Daytona. Hooters was a bonus.”
Morris said he would donate his homemade flag-parasail to the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum just as soon as he signs a lucrative endorsement deal with Custom Chutes, Inc., a parachute and parasail maker in Bradenton, Fla.
“This is America,” one NASA manager told Rueters. “That means book deal, movie rights, speaking engagements, Today.com, the works. Frank will be able to buy all the Spacewalker he can drink. Too bad Clint (Eastwood) is too old to play him in the movie.”
Vatican in Talks with NATO; Allies Say Holy See Plugs “Vulnerable Hole” in West’s Defenses; Pope to Meet with Alliance Leadership after Angering Putin with “Potentate” Accusation
Facing Possible Russian Aggression, Pope Directs Church Curia to Reactivate Long-Dormant ‘Congregation of Holy Hand Grenade,’ Turns Over Unprecedented Power to Official Hand Grenade Keeper, Descendant of Brother Maynard, Who Warns Putin He Will “Snuff It” Should He Attack Vatican City
BRUSSELS, VATICAN CITY (Rueters) – Pope Francis, feeling the wrath of unhinged Russian President Vladimir Putin for comparing the former Soviet spy to a “potentate,” has dispatched Church representatives to NATO headquarters to discuss possible membership in the alliance for the Holy See.
In a hard-hitting speech during a two-day visit to Malta last week, Francis said, “Once again, some potentate, sadly caught up in anachronistic claims of nationalist interests, is provoking and fomenting conflicts, whereas ordinary people sense the need to build a future that, will either be shared, or not be at all.”
A Kremlin spokesman told Rueters, however, the pope had “overstepped” in his remarks seemingly directed at Putin. “The pope should keep to ecclesiastical matters. Maybe we should expand the role of our Patriarch Kirill (head of Russian Orthodox Church) to include Rome.”
When asked to comment on the Pope’s speech, the Russian president, echoing his hero Joseph Stalin, shrugged and replied simply, “The Pope? How many divisions has he got?”
Having provoked Putin, a worried Francis has decided to join Finland and possibly Sweden in seeking early membership in NATO, a Vatican insider told Rueters. “The Vatican occupies a strategic position that could be an important base for NATO operations. His Holiness was told by senior NATO directors the Vatican can fill a vulnerable hole in NATO’s defense of Western Europe. We think our chances of membership are solid. We’re making plans for the pontiff to visit (NATO) headquarters to continue talks.”
In the event talks between NATO and the Holy See drag on, however, Francis – in a defensive move – has reactivated the Church’s long-dormant Congregation of the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch to ready a weapon of unholy destructive power the Church used in its continuous conflicts through the Middle Ages and later with Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Lutherans, Scots, and especially those door-to-door guys, Jehovah’s Witnesses.
“The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch was a devastating weapon,” a Vatican source told Rueters. “Once lobbed at an enemy, it would surely cause him to ‘snuff it,’ as the Book of Armaments says. It’s amazing, too, the Church was able to track down one of Brother Maynard’s descendants, an expert in military hardware, it turns out, to introduce the Holy Hand Grenade to the Swiss Guard,” the pope’s security detail.
A medieval storehouse in central Rome was recently found to hold hundreds of the Holy Hand Grenades, a Vatican spokesman said. “After some cleaning and refurbishing, they’ll be ready to go. Right now, we’re speaking with various European defense contractors about producing another 100,000 devices. Come on Russians. Snuff it.”
Several Vatican leaders have told Rueters privately that Francis takes very seriously any and all threats to the Church of Rome, particularly the Kremlin spokesman’s reference to installing Patriarch Kirill in St. Peter’s. At that point, the pope’s interest grew in meeting with NATO leaders about membership for the independent Vatican City in the 30-nation defense alliance, they said.
“He’s getting up in years,” one cardinal said about the 85-year-old pontiff. “Sometimes he doesn’t realize he may be pissing off the wrong people — all in the name of Jesus Christ, of course.”
Another papal official said, “Francis occasionally has to be reminded what exactly his role is in the Church, so several years ago we gave him this little graphic as a reminder. It doesn’t always keep his mouth shut, however. Thank God for NATO.”
Why Not Something Simple, Like “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”?
BANGKOK (For Now, Anyway) (Rueters) – The national government wants Thailand’s capital to be known around the world as Krung Thep Maha Nakhon, dropping the easily remembered name Bangkok.
Locals are mystified, Rueters has learned, and tourists want to know if Bangkok has disappeared like Burma – today called Myanmar – and ask what’s happening in Southeast Asia?
Most pushback to the name change has come from the mapmaking industry. “How the hell are we going to squeeze in the name of a city with four names, actually, and 19 letters,” a senior executive at National Geographic complained to Rueters. “We’ve tried it already. The name on the map reaches all the way to fucking Cambodia. It just won’t work. Besides, what’s wrong with Bangkok? It’s a perfectly good colonial name. Just like Burma was.”
Supporters of the change point out, first, Thailand was never colonized and second, Bangkok’s formal name is actually:
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