RUETERS EXCLUSIVE: Secrets of Legendary Lost Petty Dictator, “Putincommon,” Revealed

By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, Still Eating Russian Salad

“Democracy Dies in Darkness…But They’re Fighting Like Hell to Keep the Lights On in Kyiv”

March 11, 2022

CAIRO (Rueters) – A team of British and Egyptian archaeologists confirmed exclusively to Rueters this week they have uncovered the 3,000-year-old remains of a minor pharaoh whose catastrophic two-decade reign reduced the once-great Egyptian Empire to a “regional power.”

The discovery of pharaoh Putincommon’s “tomb” in a little corner of the enormous underground memorial to his more famous predecessor and cousin, Tutankhamun, in the Valley of the Kings “was dumb luck, completely by chance,” said a spokesman for the National Museum of Egyptian Civilization in Cairo.

“The researchers were poking around King Tut’s tomb looking for other relics for the museum when they came across an old box about the size of a footlocker. When they opened it,” the spokesman continued, “there it was, the Death Mask of Tut’s idiot cousin, Putz. That was his nickname around the palace. What makes the discovery even more astonishing is that no one was really even bothering to look for him.”

Known as the “Phailed Pharaoh” for losing up to 90 percent of the empire during his relatively short but disastrous reign, Putincommon’s mummified remains were found “stuffed into the box,” the spokesman said. “It didn’t look like they gave a rat’s asp about what to do with him. He was greatly reviled by his subjects. Not at first, but by the time of his death, they were happy to send him on his way to the Field of Reeds,” ancient Egypt’s concept of the afterlife.

Putincommon was, by most historical and present-day accounts, a disaster for the Egyptian people and empire. According to Egyptologist Thomas O’Tierney of the University of Indiana – French Lick, “Putincommon inherited from his cousin King Tut a vast empire stretching from Morocco across North Africa and east to what is today Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Israel, Lebanon, Syria and into parts of Turkey.”

But before his death at the age of 70 and at the end of his 20-year rule, Putincommon had lost virtually all his empire. “Only the Roman Empire would come to reach the Egyptian Empire in size and influence,” according to the Egyptologist from French Lick. “But in the end, Putincommon ruled over an area that was the equivalent of modern-day Yemen.”

“Putincommon was a gambler,” O’Tierney told Rueters. “Loved the ponies and puppies, but couldn’t pick a winner if there was just one nag or mutt at the starting gate. Lost a pharaoh’s ransom every year.”

In the early days of Putincommon’s reign, according to historians at the NMEC, the middle-aged pharaoh took over the powerful throne with great fanfare and excitement. The new ruler was a popular figure among the upper classes of Egyptian society and had made many wealthy friends — and also made many friends wealthy — during the years he was waiting for his cousin “Funky” Tut to exit the scene, possibly to Babylonia or Arizona. Putincommon also accumulated vast wealth for himself.

The Phailed Pharaoh was corrupt, a bully and a poor manager of people and money, O’Tierney said. Those parts of the empire he didn’t forfeit to his gambling problem, O’Tierney said, he lost in disastrous military campaigns. “He’d have his army go barging into one of his territories in what he called a ‘special military operation’ to put down an insurrection, or some other place he wanted to reclaim, insisting he had to ‘de-Hittite’ them or some such nonsense.

“Before you knew it, his army was bogged down and being killed off by the locals. It went on like that for years and years. Finally, he lost nearly everything and his wealthy friends weren’t wealthy anymore. As the empire shrank, so did their wealth. And neither were they still his friends.”

O’Tierney told Rueters, “There’s no solid proof of this, but we’re pretty sure either his no-longer-rich former friends, or the generals, offed him and shoved him into that footlocker. The hieroglyphics on the box said simply, ‘Here Lies Putz. He Was Nuts. Good Riddance.'”

The NMEC spokesman said museum authorities haven’t yet decided what to do with Putincommon’s remains. “Are Americans going to build a presidential library for Trump? Now you understand our problem.”

Chastised by Fellow Tour Players and Fans Alike for Dealing with Saudis, “Lefty” Courts New Potential Partner for Rival Tour, Once Again Proving Timing Is Everything

MOSCOW (Rueters) – US pro golf star Phil Mickelson, stung by recent severe criticism and loss of lucrative sponsorships, has left the Saudis in the rearview mirror while remaining determined to find a new partner to finance a rival to the PGA Tour, Rueters has learned.

The new backer may be none other than scratch golfer and Olympic gold medalist President Vladimir Putin of Russia, US intelligence sources have confirmed to Rueters. (Putin’s dubious sports records were supplied by the Kremlin and could not be independently confirmed.)

Mickelson, 51 and winner of 45 PGA tournaments in a 30-year career, generated waves of criticism when it was revealed in February he had signed on with former World No. 1 golfer Greg Norman to create something called the Super Golf League with enormous financial backing from the Saudi Arabia investment fund.

In an interview published last month , Mickelson was quoted as saying the Saudi group that was behind a proposed new pro golf league were “scary motherfuckers to get involved with.”

“We know they killed (Washington Post columnist Jamal) Khashoggi and have a horrible record on human rights. They execute people over there for being gay,” Mickelson told writer Alan Shipnuck, whose biography on Mickelson is due in May.

“Knowing all of this, why would I even consider it? Because this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to reshape how the PGA Tour operates,” Mickelson continued, incredibly, creating some kind of parity in his own mind between a deadly regime and rich guys who live mostly in Florida and other states with no income tax.

Mickelson, whose personal wealth is estimated at $400 million, has complained bitterly he and his fellow millionaires on the PGA Tour are being cheated of additional income by greedy Tour management.

Norman, the world’s top golfer in the 1990s whose net worth also is estimated at $400 million, wanted Mickelson on board as a founding father of the Super Golf League who could attract other top players to desert the tour that has set them up for life. But, no dice. No major PGA Tour name has indicated interest in working for those “scary motherfuckers.” With the Saudi-backed league a non-starter, Mickelson and Norman recently began looking for other funders of a rival pro golf circuit, an intelligence source told Rueters.

Then how about working for a crazed dictator? Mickelson has told golf insiders he won’t give up the idea of starting another pro tour — he and Norman hate the PGA Tour that much — and met a week ago in Moscow with Russia’s president to discuss financing the proposed Putin Players Tour.

“Putin’s all for setting up the league,” Norman told golf writers at the Players Tournament this week; Mickelson is on hiatus from the tour. “Putin says he’s a tiny bit short of cash right now but if the players will take rubles, they can start playing those great Siberian links courses in the summer.”

YES, RUSSIAN OLIGARCHS ARE BUYING RESPECTABILITY WITH HUGE DONATIONS TO LEADING US MUSEUMS, BUT WHERE ELSE ARE THEIR DOLLARS GOING?

WASHINGTON (Rueters) – A team of investigative reporters with US newspaper The Washington Post has uncovered millions of dollars in private, previously unreported donations to leading American museums from tycoons aligned with Russian President Vladimir Putin, including several who are the targets of Western sanctions.

Among the many beneficiaries are such storied institutions as New York’s Museum of Modern Art and the Guggenheim Museum, the investigation shows — a reflection of how deeply money from Russian oligarchs has penetrated American society.

“We were shocked by the scope of these donations, almost certainly from illicit sources controlled by Putin’s cronies,” said a US Justice Department official implementing sanctions against the Russian leader as well as his wealthy supporters and members of his inner circle.

Rueters has looked further into the breadth of the oligarchs’ contributions and found museums large and small — some are popular tourist attractions, others are quirky and serving audiences with offbeat interests — across the US have quietly accepted substantial sums over the years, never disclosing the source of their support to visitors or authorities. Museum officials wouldn’t say anything to Rueters, either.

Here is a summary of Rueters additional findings of American museums accepting unreported oligarchs’ contributions. And there’s no accounting for taste.

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