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August 14, 2026

By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwacker, Etching Their Names on the Kennedy Center

“Democracy Dies in Darkness…and in the Back of Catering Trucks”

WASHINGTON (Rueters) – Invoking the immortal phrase of President Gerald Ford who, after being sworn in to replace the disgraced Richard Nixon, declared, “our long national nightmare is over,” the Orange Menace’s 23-member Cabinet finally declared it had had enough of his corruption, lies and foreign misadventures to call a halt Friday to his second term less than half-way through.

By an overwhelming – Putin-like – margin of 230 to 0, heads of the 15 federal departments, the vice president, White House chief of staff and six other agency chiefs collectively acted to rid the United States of the man who had been impeached as many times as the 45 other presidents combined. One Cabinet member told Rueters, “This was the easiest vote, or votes, actually, I’ve ever had to make. We each voted 10 times just to make the point he needs to go.”

Another Cabinet member, speaking on condition of anonymity, said, “I don’t know if it’s the billion-dollar ballroom, the f—ing marble arch blocking the view of Arlington National Cemetery, or this ridiculous so-called ‘skirmish’ in Iran, but there’s just no way I could agree to keep him in the Oval Office. He’s a disgrace, a disaster and a danger.”

For his part, after the vote was announced, No. 47 ranted on Truth Social that he learned from his days in New York real estate how to deal with “disloyal lieutenants.” He went on to predict “some openings in the Cabinet in the coming months. The Senate will be busy with confirmation hearings.” None of the Cabinet members told Rueters they were bothered by the implied deadly threats. “The moron can’t even remember who we all are. He’s never awake long enough in meetings to learn our names,” another Cabinet official said.

Rueters learned not long after Friday’s historic vote — the first time the 25th Amendment has been invoked — that White House staffers already were preparing for the change in administrations and removing all vestiges of the OM and Melania from the Executive Mansion.

“There’s a ton of gold shit in there that will have to be relocated to Florida,” the now-former president’s home, said one mover. “Imagine all the catering trucks it will take to get him out of here.”

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Hours before the unprecedented vote Friday by his Cabinet to remove him from office, the Orange Menace took time to welcome and congratulate five regional winners of the “Anti-Vaccine National Essay Contest” sponsored by the DC-based pro-measles lobby, “Culling the Herd.” No. 47 praised the middle-school winners and thanked them for spending time with several administration officials. “Looks like Pete (Hegseth, secretary of defense) spent a little more time than he should have,” the president joked. He also took time during the meeting in the Oval Office to promote the “common sense” of his latest executive order to weaken decades of proven effective standards in vaccinating children and protecting them from potentially deadly diseases. “Just look at those big, beautiful dots all over these kids. I bet none of them are autistic, either.” (Photo by Rueters)

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Orange Menace Declares He Will Implement “Big, Beautiful Solution” to Stubborn and Growing Strait of Hormuz Traffic Problem

WASHINGTON (Rueters) – Calling it a “brainstorm” and saying he wished he had thought of the idea sooner, the Orange Menace announced this week his “big, beautiful solution” to the virtual closing of the Strait of Hormuz: widening the narrow corridor between Iran and Oman.

“I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before,” he told a hastily called news conference in the White House. “I mean, what do cities or states do when a road becomes inadequate to handle traffic? They widen the roads, add more lanes, whatever is required to fix the congestion problem which is what we have in Hormuz.”

The OM told reporters he had already lined up New York contractors who “specialize in making things disappear” to remove all of Oman from the Musandam Peninsula whose tip is just 20 miles from Iran. He said the elimination of Oman and roughly half of the United Arab Emirates would nearly triple the width of the strait which had carried nearly a fifth of the world’s petroleum before the US and Israel launched attacks against Iran in late February.

“Imagine how much more quickly we can get ships through the strait. We’ll make the strait much bigger, much more beautiful,” the president told reporters. “Sure, I’m sure that Oman and the Emirates won’t be happy with my solution. But, in reality, I think we’re all better off without them. They’re just a lot of sand. Who needs more sand?”

Diplomats were quick to condemn the White House announcement. One high ranking official in Oman, who stands to lose his job as well as his country, told Rueters, “This is exactly the kind of strategic thinking we’ve come to expect from this White House. What’s next, widening the English Channel?”

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MOUNT RUSHMORE, SD – MAGA warriors gather August 12 to witness the placement of the Orange Menace on “the Shrine of Democracy.” After years of fighting for space on the cliffside for their hero and idol, these Trump followers told Rueters they couldn’t be happier and prouder that this moment had arrived. “They said there wasn’t enough room on the mountain to fit our guy in there,” one visitor said. “But that didn’t stop us. It’s just a matter of sticking to it until you find a solution that fits. And this fits.” Another added, “We couldn’t get him the Nobel Peace Prize, but damn if this doesn’t make up for it.” (Rueters photo)

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