Hey America! What’s Got Eight Thumbs and Shares a Brain Cell? The Four Idiots Below; But First:

PILOTS REPORT NO INTERFERENCE FROM 5G TRANSMISSIONS WITH AIRLINER ALTIMETER READINGS

By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, Selling Pig Hearts to Highest Bidders

WASHINGTON, Jan 18, 2022 (Rueters) – The main union representing the country’s commercial airline pilots Tuesday submitted an emergency declaration to federal authorities asserting newly launched 5G wireless services “have absolutely no impact on our planes’ electronics, including altimeters.”

A spokesman for the Air Line Pilots Association said, “We have been down this road before and not a single time was it proven that accidents of this nature (belly and river landings) were caused by a failure of — or interference with — electronic systems.

“In each case we can confidently blame pilot error. We must stop scaring our passengers with stories of faulty systems,” the spokesman went on to say.

Wireless companies AT&T and Verizon said Tuesday they would limit the rollout of 5G networks near airports after the Transportation Department warned of major disruptions and accidents because of the potential for interference with airplane safety technology.

“We think this is the wrong message for the phone companies, as well as the government, to give,” the union spokesman said. “As we’ve insisted all along, it’s not the technology, it’s the people that fuck up.”

UK PM “Bacchus” Johnson Awaits Fate, Now In Hands of Country’s Newly Relevant Civil Servant

LONDON (Rueters) – British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has once again denied misleading Parliament about lockdown-breaching parties and confirmed he has given an account of events to an inquiry probing alleged violations of coronavirus rules by the government.

Senior ministers in Johnson’s Conservative government said they believed him — but added the prime minister would have to resign if he is proven to have lied.

Meanwhile, potentially damning visual evidence has emerged from the May 2020 staff party which attendees described as a “major-grade bacchanalia,” contrary to official, low-key descriptions of the controversial event.

Senior civil servant Sue Gray is investigating a string of alleged rule-flouting government parties that have sparked calls for Johnson’s resignation, including the now-infamous May 2020 staff party in the garden of the prime minister’s Downing Street residence.

Is this evidence of Johnson’s deception? Famed contemporary British artist JRTaylor was said by friends to have made this Flemish-style tapestry based on an iPhone 13 Pro Max video of the alleged “party” held in the garden of 10 Downing Street nearly two years ago. (Photo courtesy JRT Studios)

Johnson told Parliament last week that he had attended the event, billed as a “bring your own booze” gathering in an invitation sent to 100 people by his principal private secretary. But he said he considered it a work gathering that fell within the rules although later admitted to Rueters “clothing was optional.”

“NO-VAX” DJOKOVIC BANNED FROM OZ, FALLS INTO WAITING ARMS OF PUTIN; WILL PROMOTE NEW RUSSIAN DOMESTIC PRO TENNIS TOUR

MOSCOW (Rueters) – World No. 1 Novak Djokovic may be persona non-grata in Australia, but the unvaccinated super spreader of tennis is just the guy Russian President Vladimir Putin has been looking for.

In an ongoing effort to keep a restless Russian population distracted from his decades-old corruption, complete mismanagement of the Covid-19 pandemic, and threats to launch what could be a disastrous invasion of Ukraine, Putin has told news outlets Djokovic has signed a lucrative agreement with the Kremlin to play the fledgling Russian pro tennis circuit this spring and summer.

Djokovic was denied a place in the Australian Open, leaving the country late Sunday when he failed in his legal challenge to overturn the cancellation of his visa due to his lack of a COVID-19 vaccination — and for lying about his travel within two weeks of entering Australia and for neglecting to tell authorities he gave out tennis awards to large groups of children a day after learning he was positive for Covid-19.

Russian President Vladimir Putin (left), with No. 1-ranked tennis star Novak (“Novax”) Djokovic, announces launch of Russia-based men’s circuit whose main sponsor will be Seiko. Each man is sporting latest timepiece from Patek Philippe, however. (Rueters photo)

His flight from Melbourne touched down in Moscow early Monday just as the first matches of the tournament began. “I am Serbian but feel a closeness to my Slavic Russian brothers,” a jet-lagged Djokovic told reporters at Moscow’s international airport. “I am pleased to help my great sport find another home in Russia. And, as we have seen, not to let vaccination status stand foolishly in the way of sport.”

For his part, Putin praised “No-vax” as a role model for children, “except, of course, for the ones he infected with Omicron.”

Djokovic said he would spend his time playing the Russian domestic tennis circuit and touring cities he had yet to visit. “I’ve never been to St. Petersburg, Novosibirsk or Vladivostok, and look forward to meeting their people. Kyiv, too, would be great, but President Putin says I might have to wait a while.”

GAETZ’S PROBLEMATIC, PERVY PAST CATCHING UP WITH HIM, FEDERAL PROSECUTORS SAY

ORLANDO (Rueters) – The ex-girlfriend of Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Fla.) appeared late last week before a federal grand jury investigating the congressman for possible sex trafficking of a minor, according to a person familiar with a matter, a signal that the probe remains active more than a year after it began.

Rep. Matt Gaetz’s ex-girlfriend in her 2018 yearbook photo (Photo courtesy Rep. Gaetz’s office)

A Justice Department spokesman declined to comment. Timothy Jansen, a lawyer hired by the minor’s family, confirmed that he and his client were at the federal courthouse in Orlando but declined to comment further.

CNN and NBC News both spotted the young woman, who has not been identified by prosecutors, in the federal courthouse here allegedly to testify about her relationship and travel with the third-term congressman who is on record as having one of the lowest IQs on Capitol Hill.

A person familiar with the matter, who spoke to Rueters on the condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to discuss the matter, confirmed the minor was there as part of the Gaetz investigation.

“I think she still has a crush on (Gaetz),” the person said. “So I don’t know what kind of testimony she’s giving. I do know she really appreciated all the gifts he bought her, especially from the teen section at Target.”

WHAT’S HIS NAME, AGAIN? THE ROYAL FORMERLY KNOWN AS “PRINCE” NOW JUST “ANDY”

LONDON (Rueters) – Prince Andrew was said to be tearful after the Queen removed his honorary military titles, palace insiders told Rueters. The Duke of York, who can no longer be known as His Royal Highness “in any official capacity,” is in serious legal jeopardy because of a lawsuit stemming from his friendship with Jeffrey Epstein, the depraved money man who hanged himself in 2020.

“The Prince was tearful when told the news even though he had expected it. He feels that he has let so many people down, not least his mother, during her platinum (75th) jubilee year,” a senior UK defense source said.

Further complicating life for “Andy” is disclosure that Ghislaine Maxwell, recently convicted in US court for being the “fixer” for her dead, depraved onetime boyfriend, Jeffrey Epstein, will no longer fight public release of the names of Epstein’s friends who had sex with his collection of damaged, underage girls. Any guesses who will be on the list? A former royal? A former president? A famous lawyer? A tech titan, perhaps?

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