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March 11, 2021

By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, Now Offering Their Own “Stimulus Packages”

“Democracy Dies in Darkness…As Most Certainly Will Andrew Cuomo’s Career”

WASHINGTON (Rueters) – A White House spokeswoman Thursday had no comment on media reports that President Joe Biden’s youngest dog had decamped the White House following an alleged biting incident and would be banished to Delaware, Biden’s home state.

Sources told Rueters and other media outlets Biden’s rescue dog Major had bitten an armed Secret Service agent inside the White House this past weekend and was summarily booted from the presidential mansion.

“That’s one small bite for dog, one giant trek back home,” a White House official quipped. “The guy (agent) had a gun. Personally, (if) a guard dog bred to protect Nazis chomps down on my hand, and I was carrying a loaded Glock, First Mutt or not, he’s joining the cast of ‘All Dogs Go To Heaven.'”

First Lady Jill Biden last month noted three-year-old Major and his older companion, the happily senile Champ who turns 19 in July, have had to get used to the White House as well as its many staffers.

“I’ve been getting obsessed with getting our dogs settled because we have an old dog and we have a very young dog,” she told “The Kelly Clarkson Show” in an interview. “So that’s what I’ve been obsessed with, getting everybody settled and calm.”

When informed of the biting attack on an agent at the White House, however, Dr. Biden gave her approval to “banish the beast, never liked the bastard, anyway.”

In 2008, it was reported at the time, as former President George W. Bush was winding down his second term, his Scottish Terrier Barney bit off and dined on one of the main typin fing rs of a r por er fr m th As ocia ed Pr ss, a ch rg deni d by t e o tgo ng pr sid nt.

Major’s banishment to Delaware has lit up social media and brought comparisons with several famous “movie dogs” who met similarly unenviable ends. Below are some of America’s favorite cinematic canines and how they made their often tear-jerking exits. Who knows what’s in store for the noble yet hungry Major?

Daisy the beagle in the original John Wick movie starring Keanu Reeves. “If anything happens to you” — which it did, of course — Wick famously confided in the loveable pooch, “I’ll have to kill, like, 500 guys.”

Old Yeller, the stray dog and star of the 1957 movie of the same name, was shot by his owner after contracting rabies from a wolf he fought to protect his family. Bring your Kleenex.

Hooch, the 110-pound Dogue De Bordeaux, gave his all, taking a bullet for buddy cop Turner, played by Tom Hanks.

Sam, intrepid partner and only friend of scientist Robert Neville (Will Smith) in “I Am Legend,” becomes infected with a deadly virus — isn’t that special? — while fending off bad dogs to keep them from biting Smith’s character. Neville eventually had to end Sam’s life before the poor thing turned into Bad Sam.

Old Dan, one of the two canine stars from “Where the Red Fern Grows,” dies from injuries from a fight with a mountain lion but still manages to save the life of his master, young Billy. Old Dan’s sister, Little Ann, dies of grief shortly after her noble brother’s gruesome death.

Of all the cinematic canine deaths, however, none was more ignominious than Dinky’s from “National Lampoon’s Vacation.” If the Griswold family had only used a check list to make sure everything had been safely stored, well, then, perhaps Dinky would have made it to Walley World.

Clark learns the sad truth.

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