Two months since Jan 6th storming of US Capitol, law enforcement continues rodeo-roundup of estimated 500 individuals wanted on charges ranging from unlawful entry into federal building up to and including possible sedition; federal prosecutors have filed charges against more than 300 suspects in storming home of Congress; “more to come,” FBI director promises
March 8, 2021
By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, Don’t Care About Harry and Meghan Either
“Democracy Dies In Darkness…Thank God For Eugene Goodman”
WASHINGTON (RUETERS) – The FBI announced today it has stepped up its aggressive hunt for additional suspects in the storming of the US Capitol nearly nine weeks ago, releasing its latest “Seeking Information” most-wanted poster containing a list of 10 decidedly “unusual suspects,” a Bureau spokesman told Rueters. “What a collection of kooks, creeps, crackpots, and conspirators,” he said. “A true amalgam of Trump’s America.”
FBI agents, other investigators from the Department of Homeland Security and multiple state police forces around the country are fanning out to track down and apprehend this latest group whose identities are not confirmed but whose roles in the insurrection at the Capitol is near certain, FBI sources said. “We’re now going full 24 by 7,” a supervisor told Rueters. “No letting up.”
The FBI provided Rueters the following information regarding the 10 individuals pictured in its Seeking Information poster issued today:
Photograph #80 — “It’s either Lawrence of Arabia or The French Lieutenant’s Woman,” the FBI spokesman quipped. “He or she slipped into the Capitol behind the initial breach and reportedly went hunting in the Senate chamber for souvenirs. Senator Hawley (R-Mo) told us his copy of Profiles in Courage was missing, but no one really believes he actually had it.”
Photo #81 — Inciter-in-Chief, the FBI labeled this suspect. “We’ve got a pretty good idea, through contacts in the PGA, on which course he can be found. It’s just a matter of time before either federal prosecutors nail his ass for inciting the attack on the Capitol or he loses those lawsuits filed by Democratic House members.”
Photo #82 — Dr. Death, the FBI calls him. “We’re going on the premise he’s wearing a disguise. I mean, who looks like that in real life?”
Photo #83 — Nicknamed “Nine-Mil McDonald,” this alleged psychopath spent his time inside the Capitol Jan 6th “barking orders” inside the Capitol’s Statuary Hall — “at the statues,” a Bureau spokesman said. “And he was one of the saner ones.”
Photo #84 — “Would you buy a used car from this man?” Agents are combing used-car lots throughout Northern Virginia for this person suspected in organizing the assault on Congress. “He’s a known associate of Frank Pentangeli,” the FBI told Rueters.
Photo #85 — “He sells cheap chopped-foam pillows at a 500 percent markup; that’s all we know about this fascist,” the FBI has told Congress. “He’s been spotted on the grounds of the White House — during the previous administration — but left no contact details.”
Photo #86 — “Just your average screaming Trump-nut who went berserk in the Capitol, ‘doing his duty’ for the Orange Menace,” the spokesman said. “Female witnesses have told us back home in Enid, Oklahoma, he wears bear repellent as cologne. We think the beard is fake.”
Photo #87 — “This guy needs to be caught and stopped as quickly as possible. Perhaps more than the others in this poster we need to get him. We have multiple witness accounts of his offering lunch to Capitol Police officers during the insurrection who then later collapsed on the line from food poisoning. Sick stuff,” an investigator from the Agriculture Department’s Food Safety and Inspection Service told Rueters.
Photo #88 — “Once upon a time, this guy was thought by millions of Americans to be a hero in the face of deadly domestic terror. Then he fell down the rabbit hole only to emerge without his dignity, integrity and common sense. He also appears to be melting. He’s using multiple aliases, but Crazy Rudy is giving us the most promising leads,” the spokesman said.
Photo #89 — “The Bureau is pretty sure we know who this guy is — and the company he keeps. ‘Martial Law Mike’ is hiding out with his Proud Boy and QAnon buddies, evading federal authorities while hiding in the basements of small pizzerias around Washington. He’s despised, even by his friends, and we know he’ll be ratted out soon enough,” a source said.