From its new but “soulless” ‘INDIVIDUAL 1’ to hot-air fueled, off-roading warrior ‘POCA*HUNTRESS,’ General Motors is pivoting from Rush Limbaugh’s low-information listeners to more politically aware and better educated voters. But industry analysts wonder if obvious tie-in to 2020’s chaotic presidential election — and all that surrounds it — will backfire on 111-year-old company that has made its livelihood on backs of high-school graduates.
November 4, 2019
By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, 1998 Champions of Del Webb’s Mixed-Doubles Pickle Ball Tourney
“Democracy Dies in Darkness…Then Comes Light” — A. Guinness
WASHINGTON, D.C. (Rueters) — Leading US automaker General Motors, in a risky strategy, is tying its fate in 2020 to a new series of sports utility vehicles based on well-known political personalities and issues, company insiders have told Rueters.
Fresh off a month-long strike that cost it more than $3 billion in third-quarter revenues, the world’s third-largest automaker, determined to make up lost sales, has at least six new SUVs ready for roll-out in coming weeks, insiders say.
Extensive market research is telling corporate leadership its lineup — the first such model overhaul since the launch of the minivan 35 years ago — will attract a more affluent, better educated, politically “woke” customer base, according to the insider.
“Most of our customers today are listening to Rush (Limbaugh),” a senior vice president told Rueters on condition of anonymity. “We’ve relied on that audience for sales since before World War One. Time to move on and grab the Never Trumpers who are tired of the Orange Menace and his corruption.”
Rueters has been given exclusive access to the soon-to-be released models and commissioned onetime leading auto reviewer Ron Armageddon, now retired, to provide his assessments of these new rides. Following is his analysis:
“INDIVIDUAL 1” — Named after the country’s most famous unnamed co-conspirator of recent years, Individual 1 is positioned to compete with the smallest SUVs from other providers (think Volvo’s XC40, Ford’s Escape, or Audi’s Q3); but lacks the imaginative design and engineering of the others.
The outside is a boring semi-orange and the inside has no intelligence, no bells and whistles; totally soulless. And without a GPS, this guy truly has no compass, moral or otherwise.
“BIDEN (MY) TIME” — Named for the aged former vice president, this combination SUV/camper can sleep six, including tired 76-year-old politicians. It comes with the latest in 1970s technology, a GM spokesman says, including an eight-track audio system and rain-delay wipers, but really nothing else.
“We have to keep it simple, so as not to confuse the driver,” the spokesman said. If you’re a fan of Scooby Doo and the “Mystery Machine,” Biden (My) Time is the sleeper for you.
“POCA*HUNTRESS” — Named for a certain Oklahoma native whose Bronze-Age ancestor may have had sex once with the very first Cherokee Indian, it’s a true, eco–friendly powerhouse.
Fueled on nothing but self-generated hot air, the Poca*Huntress is a rugged off-roader that inexplicably keeps going up and up, with no end in sight, or so its developers have bragged to Rueters — although they added they’re expecting a huge crash that will really test its endurance at some point.
“Impeachmen” — This plus-size SUV features room for eight adult men. An extra-quiet interior is designed to offer riders the best opportunity to plan strategy and get their stories straight in the event the shit hits the fan.
Standard model includes (new from GM), “Road Erase,” an electronic scrubbing service that removes all records of trips, texts, emails, Power Points and conversations. Options include repeating videos of Orange Menace’s most famous speeches and news conferences including “American Carnage,” “really fine people on both sides,” “lock her up” and “why don’t they go back to where they came from?” America will just have to “get over it.”
“PUTIN ME ON” — Or, as GM’s design engineers have dubbed it, “Enema of the People.” Either moniker works.
This midsize version of Individual 1 has all the qualities of its smaller cousin: Bland, boring, kind of scary and nothing trustworthy to rely on. But, on the plus side (maybe), it will get to places you never expected it to go — until it’s too late.
“BERNIE’S WOODIE” — The timing of the release of this 2020 update on longtime rival Ford’s 1937 Deluxe Station Wagon (one of the original “woodies”) couldn’t have been more fortunate for GM.
Named for the senior but steadfast people’s champion of Vermont, the vehicle is known to carry more than its share of the weight and sounds a bit rough under the hood — but as time goes by it will always power through any and all mechanical lapses, including the occasional faulty fuel pump.