Sanders and Biden too ancient? Booker, Harris and Warren too far left? Delaney, Gabbard, Castro, Swawell, Messam, Moulton, Williamson and the rest of them just too obscure? “Mayor Pete” still in middle school? And you’re still looking for a candidate with character, strength and diversity? Well, we got your diversity right here!
April 28, 2019
By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, International Truth Tellers
“And That’s The Way It Is….Sorry”
WASHINGTON, DC (RUETERS) — With official entry last week of former Vice President Joseph Biden into the Democratic race for his party’s presidential nomination, the field of White House hopefuls now sits at 20 among the opposition. And President Trump may face primary competition of his own, as well, including former Massachusetts Gov. William Weld and possibly current Maryland Gov. Larry Hogan.
Rueters has learned exclusively, however, Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller’s former team of “13 Angry Democrats,” turned into a rallying cry by the “orange menace” during the Russia investigation, has unanimously and wholeheartedly decided to run for their party’s presidential nomination.
Rumors about the emergence of another group of Democratic contenders have been circulating in official Washington since Trump Defense Attorney General (DAG) William Barr last month publicly and deceptively “exonerated” No. 45 on obstruction of justice allegations.
These political newcomers, all devotees of their former leader and ex-FBI director Mueller, are quietly building up individual war chests to fund their campaigns and polishing social media profiles to attract supporters through FaceBook, Instagram, LinkedIn, Tinder, Grindr, Twitter and J-Date.
“Where have you ever seen a more committed gesture of love of country — mixed with determination to rid the country of one of the worst national demagogues we’ve seen since, well, his friends Putin, Kim and Saudi Arabia’s crown prince,” said Michael Steele, former chairman of the now-defunct Republican National Committee.
“And talk about diversity! I thought we saw it all with the first group of Dems — everything from a former vice president to a spiritualist and nut-job tech entrepreneur who wants to give everyone in the country a thousand bucks each month,” Steele continued. “That’s 330 billion — billion with a B– as in Baby Jesus — every month!
“But these 13 Angry Democrats,” Steele said, “all veterans of a tough legal and political battle the past two years, want to continue serving their country. They want their first patriotic act to be the removal of Trump,” even if DAG Barr did his best to block any attempt to do that, he said.
Sources told Rueters the team of former colleagues met recently at — of all places — the Mar-a-Lago resort in Palm Beach, FL, to map out a path to the White House for at least one of them. They’ve all agreed to support and campaign for the primary winner from their group of 13.
“Listen to me,” one of the 13 told Rueters. “For two years we’ve been working virtually 24/7 to nail that son-of-a-bitch in the Oval Office only to have his handpicked attorney general claim exoneration on all fucking counts! That’s not what we found but there’s not much more we can offer now than a good challenge to his re-election.”
Here’s a look at the 13 Angry Democrats, including a word about their key positions, all of whom hope to personally knock Trump out of office but each of whom has pledged to push for a Democratic victory even if he or she is not the party’s eventual standard bearer:
It’s far from certain how these 13 newcomers will impress Democrats in the primaries or voters in the general election in November 2020. Despite their wide variety of positions on the issues, the one thing the 13 Angry Democrats can agree on is making sure the “orange menace” doesn’t get away with everything a second time.