MAGICAL ITALIAN SATELLITE; ALIENS FOR TRUMP; AND OTHER TRUE STUFF

From The Publisher: Thank God for QAnon. Without its followers — and their bat-shit crazy conspiracy theories — our world-beating investigative duo of Squibley and Bushwhacker would be relegated to reporting for lifestyle and high school sports pages. Rueters leading journalists have tackled many of mysterious QAnon’s top-rated notions, including now-trending “Domino Theory” that holds once Arizona finds enough “bamboo ballots” from China in Maricopa County to overturn Biden’s win, Pennsylvania, Georgia, Michigan, Wisconsin and New Hampshire will follow suit. Result? Orange Menace to be “reinstated” in August. While such an outcome would be great for Newsmakerblog, maybe it wouldn’t be so hot for country. Meanwhile, our boys are looking into some new QAnon ideas. One favorite: Italian defense firm hacked into government’s only working satellite, “Bunga Bunga Uno,” launched during first Bush administration, to change results in Biden’s favor in Dominion Voting Systems machines across country. Their report follows. Andiamo!

June 26, 2021

By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, Think Critical Race Theory Is NASCAR Event

“Democracy Dies in Darkness…And At Every Goddamn Orange Menace Rally”

WASHINGTON (Rueters) — On Jan. 6, 2021, the day supporters of President Donald Trump gathered in Washington, D.C. to protest the certification of the 2020 presidential election results by Congress and ultimately storm the U.S. Capitol, posts began to circulate widely across social media claiming that an employee of an Italian security firm had interfered in the election to secure Joe Biden’s victory.

Shared online with the hashtags #ItalyDidIt and #ItalyGate, the claims — later proved false in addition to giving far too much credit to Italian technology — were part of a conspiracy theory intended to sow doubt in the U.S. electoral system and bolster allegations by Trump and his allies that the election was rigged.

QAnon has embraced “ItalyGate,” conspiracy theory blaming Italian subversives with throwing 2020 presidential election to Joe Biden by manipulating US voting machines from country’s lone functioning satellite, “Bunga Bunga Uno,” above, seen after Italians did what they do best: paint stuff. (Photo courtesy Sto Volando!, the Italian space agency)

Sources inside a previously unknown Florida tax dodge, Nations in Action, told Rueters the conspiracy theory was launched from a press release it issued on Jan. 6, headlined, “Senior IT Expert at Global Defense Contractor Testifies in Italian Federal Court; He and Others Switched Votes throughout America in the U.S. Presidential Race.” Catchy title, huh?

According to its website, Nations in Action is based on Lockwood Terrace in Sarasota, Florida and was established in 2017 “to address the collapse of the civil society with families struggling to maintain faith, values and virtues.” It supported Trump in his failed re-election bid.

Although Nations in Action did not respond to Rueters request for evidence to support the claim Italians employed satellite technology to fix the election result for Biden, one of its insiders told Rueters, “We thought no one would believe the Italians could pull this off. But, once QAnon got on board and really pushed it, we were all over the Internet.”

He continued, “Turns out only Italian Republicans really believed the satellite story. But there’s a surprisingly large number of them throughout the US who believe Washington is run by a bunch of Satan-worshipping pedophiles; they fall for this crazy shit every time.”

The Nations in Action press release, which claims to have come from Rome, Italy on Jan. 5, alleges that an employee of the Italian defense, security and aerospace company Leonardo SpA “provided a shocking deposition detailing his role in the most elaborate criminal act affecting a US election.”

It named a high-ranking corporate director, Sono Fantasma, as the employee and stated he “outlined the scheme that proved successful in using Leonardo computer systems to hijack the satellite Bunga Bunga Uno,” named for former Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, to interfere in the U.S. election in favor of Joe Biden. A Leonardo spokesman told Rueters there is no company employee by that name. “Even his name is a little suspicious to us,” the spokesman added.

The press release quotes the pro-Trump Nations in Action chair Maria Strollo Zack as saying, “Make no mistake, this is a coup d’etat (in support of Biden) that we will stop in the name of justice and free and fair elections.” How’d that work out for you?

US Intel Community Says No Evidence of Aliens on Earth; Naturally Trump Believes Putin Who Says Planet Is “Nearly Overrun” With Them

WASHINGTON (Rueters) — The blob, captured on distant, fuzzy video by Navy pilots, seems to skitter just above the ocean waves at improbable speed, with no discernible means of propulsion or lift. “Oh my gosh, man,” one aviator says to another as they laugh at the oddity. “What the fuck is it?”

Is it a bird? A plane? Super drone? An extraterrestrial something?

Supposed alien space craft captured on video confounding US Navy pilots in 2018. (Photo courtesy Nintendo)

The U.S. government has been taking a hard look at unidentified flying objects like this one. A report issued Friday by the US director of national intelligence says, essentially, the truth is still out there.

But Russian President Vladimir Putin already has chimed in with his views on the much-awaited DNI assessment — he thinks aliens are already among us — “but most of them support that bastard (dissident Alexei) Navalny, so we’ve shipped them off to Siberia,” he told Rueters Moscow correspondent Natasha Badenov.

His partner in bromance, the Orange Menace, never a believer in intelligence (take that however you want), said he thought these galactic aliens could have won the 2020 election for him if only they could have registered in time.

“Given my hardline stance on the country’s out-of-control influx of aliens, you would have thought they would stay clear of the US,” Trump said in a statement after the government report was published. “But I’m after votes from good aliens, you know, like Canadians and outer space guys, not the ones pouring across our southern border.”

The anticipation surrounding the DNI report, which determined there was no credible evidence of inter-galactic visitors to our insignificant little blue planet, demonstrated how a topic normally confined to science fiction and a small, often dismissed group of researchers has hit the mainstream.

Worried about national security threats from adversaries, lawmakers ordered an investigation and public accounting of phenomena that the government has been loath to talk about for generations.

“There is stuff flying in our airspace,” Republican Sen. Marco Rubio of Florida, one of the senators who pressed for the probe, recently told Fox News. “We don’t know what it is. And, frankly, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen some suspicious looking creatures in Fort Lauderdale. We need to know — friend or foe. Dinner companion or just dinner?”

Fort Lauderdale dinner companion or just dinner? Leading US Senate intellectual Marco Rubio (R-FL) wants to know. (Photo courtesy Broward Beat)

Congress late last year instructed the director of national intelligence to provide “a detailed analysis of unidentified aerial phenomena data” from multiple agencies and report in 180 days.

The bill passed by Congress asked the intelligence director for “any incidents or patterns that indicate a potential adversary may have achieved breakthrough aerospace capabilities that could put United States strategic or conventional forces at risk.”

So far, the multi-million dollar report concluded, nada, nyet, nothin’.

Other than the US potentially being overrun with Milky Way Trumpers (MMWGA?), the chief concern is whether hostile countries are fielding aerial technology so advanced and weird that it befuddles and threatens the world’s largest military power. But when lawmakers talk about it, they tend to leave themselves a little wiggle room in case it’s something else — whether more prosaic than a military rival or, you know, more cosmic.

Disappointed Orange Menace voter tells Rueters, “A million of us flew for two fucking light years, without a working toilet, to get here to vote for that idiot. And what happens? We get outvoted by the other aliens, you know, the ones who got through the wall, something like three to one. We didn’t win, but I think some of my kind went with Biden. Regardless, we’re staying here, at least until the toilets are fixed.” (Photo courtesy Fuzzy Koppelman Images)

“Right now there are a lot of unanswered questions,” said Democratic Rep. Adam Schiff of California, who himself kind of resembles a bad guy from “War of the Worlds.” “If other nations have capabilities that we don’t know of, we want to find out. If there’s some explanation other than that — such as Canadians and Milky Way Trumpers planning massive election fraud in 2022 or 2024, we want to learn that, too,” he told Rueters.

Those Damn Cicadas

WASHINGTON (Rueters) — Even the president couldn’t escape our flying Brood X friends. While one brave critter decided to hitch a ride with the Commander-in-Chief during a recent flight aboard Air Force One, its several million relatives opted for the engine compartment of the official press plane — rendering it inoperable. Did anyone think to call Terminix? C’mon, really?

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One Comment

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  1. UPDATE: Further research by our investigative team reveals that NIA (Nations in Action) is just a shell operation with no actual leaders, followers or employees. It is merely used to divert attention from the true anti-Biden organization, ARSE (Americans Rejecting Socialist Elitists), which is headquartered on Firefly Lane in Millsboro, DE, home state of you know who, so that they can keep a close eye on the Washington Swamp Master who stole the election from Our Beloved Fuhrer.

    Sent from my iPhone

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