QAnon’s Catalogue of Conspiracies; ‘Batshit Crazy’ Doesn’t Even Begin to Describe America’s New Favorite Brand of Nuts

To paraphrase L Frank Baum, “Pay No Attention to the Macadamias Behind the Curtain”; Rueters dynamic duo of Squibley and Bushwhacker spend weeks investigating country’s best known conspiracy-driven “unreality show”; from dawn of civilization to Capitol riots, QAnon members — now in Congress! — have answers we’ve been seeking but what exactly are our questions?

February 6, 2021

By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, Promoting US and EU Trials Of Anti-Stupid Vaccine

“A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is still putting on its boots.” — M Twain

“A lie is already done paying the hooker a half-hour before the truth gets its socks off.” — A Nibley

WASHINGTON (Rueters) – Flat Earth. Ancient aliens. Jewish lasers. Faked moon landing. And the guy on the grassy knoll. Quite the list, but there’s more.

For QAnon’s true believers, the farther they look back the more conspiracies they see, a pattern extending from man’s alleged crop circles to current events. All the stuff the rest of us thought mankind had painstakingly discovered and come to understand through the ages, well, they just don’t stack up in QAnon’s alternate worldview.

Future US Rep Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia, age 7 in this photo, begins training in UFO telepathy with her late uncle, Jerry, who was abducted by aliens, she told supporters. “Coulda been Mexicans or Martians, we’re not sure which,” she said. (Taylor Family Archive photo)

Your intrepid reporters spent the past month, since the insurrection at the US Capitol, delving into the poorly understood origins and beliefs of QAnon, a collection of self-described “crusaders” more or less come together to fight the non-existent “Deep State,” Satanists, child abusers and, apparently, small pizzerias.

Our investigation revealed a catalogue of conspiracy theories, some of which are outlined below, that appears to bind the largely gullible QAnon minions together and render them susceptible to following would-be dictators, even one who promised to lead them in insurrection — only instead to boogie on back to his warm, taxpayer-provided 19th-century mansion.

QAnon’s poster girl, Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga), has become the most famous proponent of the “conspiracy-where-there-is-no-conspiracy-loving” cult. Although her nascent congressional career is off to a rocky start — she’s been booted by House Democrats from two committees — she pledges to use her unplanned free time to promote QAnon’s fact-free ideology to an unsuspecting American electorate.

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is jewish-laser-e1612593008441.jpg
Aug 12, 2019, according to QAnon dogma, this Jewish laser, financed by George Soros, was directed at California campground. (Rueters photo)

Among the favorites in her hit parade of “alternate facts” are that mass shootings, including Parkland, Florida, high school in 2018 during which 17 students and staff were murdered, have been staged by gun control advocates, the so-called “false flag” assertion.

Also, Greene has claimed the 9/11 attacks were organized by government forces and a Jewish cabal, led by financier George Soros, has used a laser in outer space to spark deadly California wild fires.

Feb 5, 2021 – US House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Ca, said she is never far from her “favorite president,” a beardless Abraham Lincoln, right, portrayed when he was a House representative from Illinois, and reminders of “my favorite debunked conspiracies,” from top left, clockwise, Roswell resident waiting for his Covid-19 vaccine, QAnon Shaman guy singing national anthem in US Capitol, “Saxsquatch” and “Nessy.” (Photo by Rueters)

IN THE BEGINNING….AND WE THOUGHT OUR ANCESTORS WERE SO CLEVER

But QAnon doesn’t see it that way. In their widely circulated manifesto, “Duh, Vol 1,” they ask how could Egyptians or Mayans or anyone else, for that matter, build such iconic sites as the pyramids, or crop circles or Bourbon Street?

WHY DIDN’T COOK, MAGELLAN OR PONCE DE LEON EVER MAKE IT BACK HOME….JACK SPARROW KNOWS

QAnon-ers told us the early history of naval exploration is replete with tragedy, but can we agree with their reasoning why this is true?

“HOUSTON, TRANQUILITY BASE HERE”…BUT WHERE EXACTLY IS HERE?

We’ve heard this one before, but QAnon claims to have proof the whole Apollo 11 moon landing was concocted, “and it’s about damn time Americans accept that,” Ani told Rueters. “Just do some reading,” he said.

AND FINALLY….QANON IS CONVINCED IT HAS FOUND THE ORIGINS OF THE 2019 NOVEL CORONAVIRUS (BUT HAS IT?)

“We’ve been looking at this one for nearly a year, now,” Ani told Rueters. “We’re way ahead of WHO (World Health Organization) investigators. We’re certain we’ve found the answer. The origin of the virus that causes Covid-19 was a cave in China populated by bats. We even have a photo that’s published in our manifesto, Duh.”

So, there you have it, America, QAnon’s great scientific breakthrough: The source of the pandemic. How can we possibly get along without them?

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