His Final Days: Orange Menace Scrambles to Fulfill Presidential “Wish List”; Orders Construction of New Memorial Recalling Mt Rushmore — Only It Really Doesn’t

Disappointed there isn’t enough room to add his sorry mug to country’s greatest presidential monument, in his last week in office No. 45 has requisitioned $5 billion from DOD to start construction of second mountainous memorial on backside of America’s best-known tribute to greatest leaders. Seems like as good a place as any for remembering dark legacy of “Mr. Insurrection” and some of his most notorious enablers.

January 12, 2021

By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, Now Selling Rare US Capitol Mementoes on eBay

“Democracy Dies in Darkness…But You Can Kick the Shit Out of It in Broad Daylight”

WASHINGTON, DC (Rueters) — With time running out on his chaotic, corrupt four years in the Oval Office, President Trump is hurriedly moving forward with plans to establish a lasting tribute to himself and some of the people who made his presidency nearly unspeakable.

Borrowing from the playbook he used when having the Department of Defense pay for his Mexican border wall, Trump has siphoned $5 billion from the Navy — sorry, President Obama, no aircraft carrier for you — to begin blasting in the Black Hills of South Dakota and sculpting busts of the Orange Menace and three other notables from his term in office: personal attorney Rudy Giuliani, former National Security Adviser Mike “Martial Law” Flynn, and the newest symbol of the lame legacy of Trump World, QAnon Shaman Guy.

Mt. Ratsmore

Trump, who leaves office Jan 20, has told members of his fast-disappearing staff he thought the monument, which could take 10 years to complete, would cement him and some “fine people” in the minds of Americans. “I think he’s got that right,” remarked a senior official who nearly allowed us to use his name. “But maybe not the way he thought it would.”

The idea of a Mt. Rushmore imitation that would play to Trump’s massive ego emerged last summer on a visit by the president to the iconic memorial carved into the granite covering of South Dakota’s Black Hills. Gov. Kristi (yes, we actually have a governor named Kristi) Noem suggested the feds look into adding the Orange Menace’s likeness to the four late presidents who actually knew what they were doing – Washington, Jefferson, Teddy Roosevelt and Lincoln.

The suggestion didn’t get very far, officials said. Geology (not enough room, in the end), and maybe some Democrats, managed to shit-can the idea. Undeterred, however, Trump pressed ahead, commissioning a scale model that prominently features his likeness then quickly approving plans for construction.

“Giuliani and Flynn were obvious additions to the monument,” said a spokesman for the Department of the Interior which is responsible for Mt. Rushmore. “We weren’t sure who would be the fourth — Kellyanne, Pence, McConnell, Kim or Kanye? — until this week. We all agreed it had to be that total asshole, QAnon Shaman Guy.”

Planners captured several images of Shaman Guy from his tour of the US Capitol last week, the Interior spokesman said. “I think we got a great profile of him. Think of the memorial as real book ends, with Trump on the left and Shaman Guy on the right. And, get this, Shaman Guy knows fucking Rudy!”

QAnon Shaman Guy, left, greets US Capitol Police officer during his visit to the Capitol Jan 6. He’s since been arrested in his home state of Arizona by US marshals. In picture at right, Trump’s personal attorney Rudy Giuliani congratulates Shaman Guy (out of uniform) on being selected for coveted fourth position on Mt. Ratsmore. (Photos by Fuzzy Koppelman Images)

While work on Mt Ratsmore continues apace in the last days of Trump’s administration, federal agents are scouring the country for rioters who last week broke through security personnel and barriers to enter, vandalize and loot the US Capitol in Washington — all in the name of Donald Trump who earlier in the day urged his thousands of supporters to be strong and fight to keep him in power. And maybe hang VP Mike Pence, too.

Some 10,000 rioters swarmed the Capitol; several hundred entered the facility by breaking down doors, smashing windows and crushing security perimeters manned by Capitol Police officers. Federal investigators told Rueters the rioters were members of a handful of white supremacist and anti-government organizations. While many of the rioters who entered the Capitol were allowed by law enforcement to leave on their own, prosecutors and investigators are looking for their leaders, including the following:

While authorities aggressively search for those responsible for last week’s insurrection — and who also may be planning further anti-government actions during Inauguration Week — Trump has continued with business as usual, an aide told Rueters. Among his key activities, Trump last Thursday awarded the USA’s highest civilian honor, the Presidential Medal of Freedom, for service to this country to golfers from Sweden, Annika Sorenstam, and South Africa, Gary Player, and Jim Jordan, an Ohio congressman caught up in a years-long sex abuse scandal at Ohio St University.

NE Patriots head coach Belichick in happier times. (Rueters photo)

One of the named awardees, Bill Belichick, coach of the New England Patriots football team, in a moment of clarity, declined his medal, “royally pissing off the president,” according to a source.

“Fortunately, President Trump had another recipient in the wings, so the medal wasn’t wasted.”

QAnon Shaman Guy receives Presidential Medal of Freedom from Orange Menace Jan 10, the day after he made bail, “in recognition of his contributions to the ‘Stop the Steal’ movement and threatening Nancy Pelosi with her life,” according to the official White House citation. (Photo by Rueters)

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3 Comments

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  1. Another gem, James. What will we ever do for entertainment when he’s finally gone? Oh that’s right. He’s never leaving. He’ll be around one way or another forever. Unfortunately, once you win the prize, it’s yours to keep.

  2. Well done Jimbo.
    Next month Trump will go back to hosting The Apprentice. When he fires people they will refuse to leave the show and sue him.

  3. My son Parker “Fuzz” Koppelman will be pleased that you gave him a photo credit.

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