Barely three weeks into formal, official, we-really-really-mean-it-this-time departure of UK from European Union, realities of divorce have Brits shaking heads — and getting used to eating five-day-old cod in their fish-and-chips; but Boris and his cronies insist things are off to a great start

January 23, 2021

By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, Hoping Their Incitements Still Unimpeachable

“Democracy Dies in Darkness…Then Again, So Do Flowers and Fish”

LONDON (Rueters) – Despite some early Brexit-inspired “hiccoughs” in moving goods between the now-divorced UK and European Union, British government officials insisted Saturday they couldn’t be happier with the results in the first three weeks of the new year.

“Goods are moving steadily and smoothly through Calais and Dover,” Trade and Policy Minister Greg Hands told Rueters. “I think we never expected it to go so well so early on. If you take a look at the border crossings, you’ll see for yourself how well prepared and thoughtful we’ve been with our post-Brexit planning.

“And of course, we see such efficiencies leading to increased trade over the next five years, at least, until it’s time to renegotiate new terms. We fully expect the UK to be in the stronger position when we sit down again with EU trade ministers,” Hands continued.

Echoing Hands’s upbeat assessment of post-Brexit trading between the two powerful partners, a representative of Scotland Food and Drink (SFD) through an interpreter told Rueters, “Our fish used to take less than 24 hours to reach restaurants and grocery stores on the Continent. Now, it’s five days, allowing us to label them ‘aged,’ like fine wine. Who could complain about that?”

Officials from SFD, the UK’s National Pig Association (NPA) and the country’s 300-year-old beef packers guild, the Federated and United Coalition of the Kingdom’s Meat Enterprises (FUCKME) have all reported “100 percent satisfaction” with the new cross-Channel movement of perishable and non-perishable goods, alike.

Simon Alterman, FUCKME chief executive, told Rueters his view and those of his fellow association leaders was “very positive of the results.”

“Sure it’s early days,” Alterman continued, “but imagine how much better it’ll be in a few months. I mean, who doesn’t want to serve rotten pigs heads to his guests on that special occasion? These are food specialties both Brits and European are experiencing for the first time — and least for the first time since before that disaster we called the Common Market was set up.”

Alterman pointed out how helpful and prepared Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s government has been. “They produced all these useful guides that cover just about every imaginable situation when you’re trying to export or import anything.”

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HE’S GONE, RIGHT?

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