This is why we fear the impulses of a “stable genius” with a one-track mind: He thinks he’s found a solution for one problem, so why not use it for everything?
June 9, 2019
“Welcome to the Home of Fake Fake News — Not Even the Fucking Russians Get It”
By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, Bitter Disappointments to Their Parents
MEXICO CITY/WASHINGTON (Rueters) – Mexico has avoided threatened tariffs on billions of dollars of goods transported daily into the US, a tax on trade sought by President Trump to coerce Mexico’s broader assistance in stemming the number of Central American immigrants seeking refuge in the US.
Under the deal reached on Friday, Mexico agreed to use a large part of its newly formed National Guard to hold back immigrants crossing from Guatemala, and to take in possibly tens of thousands of people seeking asylum in the United States while their cases are adjudicated.
Because Mexico caved in to Trump’s threats — to start this Monday with a five percent tariff, rising to 25 percent if the Mexicans fail in their mission — the “Orange Menace” now thinks he’s hit upon the “perfect solution” for other thorny problems and nuisances he’s unsuccessfully tackled in his 29 months in office: More tariffs, for everything, according to anonymous sources inside the White House and various departments.
“First of all, the idiot doesn’t understand how tariffs work,” one White House strategist complained to Rueters. “Trump thinks the Mexicans pay the tariffs and talks about all the billions of dollars they’re putting into the American treasury. How many times we’ve tried explaining to him that American companies and ultimately American consumers pay those billions of dollars, I can’t begin to count.
“But he thinks it’s great for the country,” the strategist said, “so now he’s working on a list of other tariffs he wants to impose. And we’re not talking just China or Canada or the EU. He’s thinking much bigger — and scarier.”
In an effort to block the proposed expansion of tariffs, several sources in the State, Homeland Security and Treasury departments who confirmed Trump’s plans (codenamed: Revenge), supplied Rueters with a list of initial targets:
MEXICANS, IT’S ALWAYS THE MEXICANS
Trump famously disclosed in 2015 his disdain for Mexicans during the kickoff to his presidential bid, declaring, “They are not our friends, believe me. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.”
Some good people or not, Mexicans are Trump’s first targeted population, and with one of the highest proposed tariffs: 25%. “If we can get 25% for Corona beer, avocados, and salsa,” Trump reportedly told senior staff, “we can get 25% on these drug dealers and rapists.”
Shot down by multiple federal courts in his initial attempts to ban all Muslims from entering the US, another classic pledge from his racist opening salvos during the early days of his campaign, Trump wasn’t really able to get the blanket halt on Muslim immigrants he sought.
But now, sources have told Rueters, old No. 45 is telling staff if he can’t stop Muslims from entering the US, he’ll go for the next best thing: “Let’s put a tariff on their turbans. 25%, right from the start.”
PEOPLE FROM “SHITHOLE COUNTRIES”
How many months was the Orange Menace in office before he complained about immigrants to the US from so-called “shithole countries,” and why couldn’t we get more immigrants from Norway? A year? Less?
Undeterred by his failures to halt legal immigration from Africa and Haiti, Trump has now struck on the idea of imposing tariffs on these impoverished people. “If you can’t stop ’em, at least charge ’em,” he told aides recently. “35%, no discounts, either.”
MUSLIMS FROM “SHITHOLE COUNTRIES”
A double whammy for any Muslim hailing from a country Trump insults as a “shithole.” Tariff: 85%.
Two of Trump’s biggest hates are Muslims and poor African nations, a State Department analyst told Rueters. “He will fight tooth and nail against these immigrants which he also thinks his base elected him to do.”
THE BILL OF RIGHTS
Trump takes great offense when the news media publish “fake news” or when protestors criticize “fine people” among white supremacists, sources tell Rueters. He’s hoping a 50% tariff for “abusing” their rights under the 1st Amendment will discourage such unfair comments. “Sad.” (BTW, he’s still a fan of the 2nd Amendment.)
“The Bill of Rights is an easy target for him,” according to a senior staffer in the Office of the First Lady. “He just has to keep track of the numbers, and lucky for Trump there are only 10 of them.”
Each has a 100% tariff on her head, a badge of honor for being designated “a nasty woman” by the Orange Menace. Can these be all? Most doubtful.