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 If It’s News, It’s News to Us!

By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker

March 4, 2019

WASHINGTON (Rueters) – U.S. President Donald Trump’s former personal lawyer Michael Cohen said after testifying in a closed hearing before a congressional panel last week he would return on Wednesday “to finish up.”

“I am committed to telling the truth and I will be back on March 6th to finish up. There’s more to discuss,” Cohen told reporters after testifying before the House Intelligence Committee.

Witnesses to his testimony, however, requesting anonymity, told Rueters Cohen produced evidence that Trump “isn’t only a racist, a con man and a cheat, as he told the Oversight Committee last week, but he’s also a huge nut job and a perv.”

According to testimony given by Trump’s former “fixer,” the president frequently invites guests at his Mar-a-Lago estate in Palm Beach to join him for short jaunts up the highway to a popular “rub-n-tug” joint in Jupiter, Orchids of Asia Day Spa.

Orchids was in the news recently with the arrest of a famous aficionado of the “Asian Palmer,” New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft, on charges of soliciting prostitution at the facility.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft, left, at dinner with President Trump and Japanese Prime Minister Abe late 2018 at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate in Palm Beach, FL, a 30-minute drive to a favorite haunt, Orchids of Asia Day Spa in Jupiter. (Rueters photo)

Rueters has reported that inexplicably, the 98-year-old billionaire denied the charges despite Jupiter police having obtained video of “little Robert” getting a vigorous rubdown.  “He’s a champ, just like Old Faithful,” said one law enforcement official who watched secretly recorded videos of Kraft’s regular visits.  “Very impressive for someone who voted for Lincoln, but he shouldn’t be paying for it.”

Kraft told friends he found deeply embarrassing the police publicly discussing the Kraft “probe.” “What I have the girls do back there is no one’s business, certainly not the police’s,” he said. When informed the police meant the “probe” leading to his arrest, he told reporters he was only speaking “hypothetically.” (Rueters photo)

Cohen had other tales to tell committee staff and representatives, as well, sources told Rueters.  Behind closed doors, the now-disbarred attorney disclosed Trump spent the majority of his “executive time,” free time with no official business scheduled, sitting in his White House bedroom wearing wife Melania’s Johnny Was kimono robe and ChaussonsDeCeeCee mink bunny slippers, scarfing down El Diablo Thickburgers from Carl’s Jr. and DQ’s Blizzard milk shakes — vanilla, of course — all while watching old Stormy Daniels porn movies.  “My Time on the Farm,” a 1997 vintage production starring an 18-year-old Daniels, born Stephanie Gregory, was a particular favorite, the committee learned.

President Trump and porn star Stormy Daniels had a one-night stand back in 2006, soon after the birth of Trump’s son Barron. Trump was paranoid his volatile wife, Melania, with connections to the Slovenian mob, would learn of the affair. Using Michael Cohen as a middle man, Trump paid Daniels $130,000 before the 2016 presidential election to keep her mouth shut, ironically enough.   (Photo courtesy Hustler Productions)

It was $130,000 in “hush money” paid just prior to the 2016 election to Daniels, 39, that has put Trump in the bull’s eye of investigators with the US Justice Department’s Southern District of New York (SDNY).  Trump could be facing charges of violating federal campaign finance laws, the same violation to which Cohen pleaded guilty and for which he will be serving time as a guest of Uncle Sam starting in May.

Not surprisingly, Trump reportedly told Cohen, he’d rather take his chances with SDNY prosecutors looking into illicit payments to cover up his one-night stand with Daniels than face the wrath of third wife Melania, a famously hot-tempered Slovenian national whose family has ties to that eastern European country’s organized-crime syndicate.

“They’ll cut off my balls and duct tape each one to the sides of my head, if Melania gives the order,” Cohen quoted Trump during his testimony.  “Definitely collusion with Stormy, and that’s no hoax.”

Cohen may have other revelations to share with the House Intelligence Committee on Wednesday, sources said.  “We definitely want to hear what he and BFF Sean Hannity talk about at night.”

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