Just What This Country Needs: Another Billionaire Who Knows Best

Hey America!!

(An Occasional BuzzFeeble Feature from the Reporter’s Notebooks of Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker)

This is Just Fucking Great:  Another Damn Billionaire Knows What’s Best for Us and the Country.

A fourth billionaire is exploring a 2020 presidential run, we’ve learned, joining the pile of super-wealthies who tell themselves every morning they’re exactly what the country needs in these perilous days of the Trump presidency.  Isn’t one billionaire in the Oval Office enough – forever?

John I.T. Boxx, who built his eponymous national fast-food chain on the backs of illegal workers and enough grease in its burgers to lubricate Dale Jr’s Mountain Dew #88, has told friends he’s looking to run as an independent.  That would put him in direct competition with the pro-billionaires billionaire Howard Schultz, 65, former Starbucks CEO.

jack boxx

John I.T. Boxx, pictured here in August 2018 greeting customers and supporters at his chain’s original location in Clarence Center, NY, outside Buffalo.

Reuters photo by AM Koppelperson

Schultz, worth an estimated $3.5 billion, has courageously challenged presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren’s (D-MA) anti-inequality platform by defending America’s estimated 600 billionaires from a “punitive” 2% surtax on assets above $50 million and 3% above $1 billion.

Both Schultz and Boxx, who has said his net assets come out to about 7.5 billion hamburgers, have at least this much in common:  They realize neither major party wants anything to do with them, so it’s up to bad hamburgers and overpriced coffee to fund their self-inflicted delusions.

Also thinking about the White House in 2020, at least at this early stage, is “America’s Other Mayor” Michael Bloomberg who, at age 95 with a net worth of $47.5 billion, wants to rid the US of over-sized soft drinks and smoky bars.  California billionaire Tom “Need to Impeach HSA” (His Sorry Ass) Steyer, remains a possible contender, we have heard, even though he’s been on National Public Radio recently declaring he’s out of the race.  “I want to focus on fixing the problem (in the Oval Office) although I’m the first to admit I should have started the Never Trump movement 20 years ago.”

Bloomberg, whose cut-rate financial information service led to the demise of Reuters, the  once and never-future British king of news, has been jumping between political parties and running as an independent since the previous century.  “He’s got nothing to do now, so, naturally, he thinks he should be president.  The problem with guys like (President) Trump is that they make guys like Bloomberg look good,” said one former GOP strategist.

Steyer, 61, the activist and philanthropist, made his $1.6 billion fortune running a dodgy hedge fund in the heady (read: unregulated) days of the Internet.  Inexplicably, he couldn’t find enough ways to blow his billionaire’s wad, so he convinced himself someone with that much money must be smart enough to save the country.  Apparently, he never read Ross Perot’s 1995 autobiography, “Shut Up and Trust Me.”

Boxx, at 67, is a political newcomer who has maintained a low profile despite leading his 2,200 awful hamburger joints to record profits each year since the company went public in 2009.  Despite his cranial and facial abnormalities – and his stupid choice of hat – which led to continuous childhood bullying, Boxx proved himself a go-getter but, initially, anyway, a below-average short-order cook.  In a moment of reflection, he once told close friends, “Those early days in the kitchen were tough.  I kept getting my head stuck in the exhaust fan.  But I knew fast-food cooking was my passion.”

Boxx, always the innovator in a competitive industry, designed his restaurants for cooks with big heads.  Big.  Fat.  Heads.  The innovation worked and his chain was able to hire more cooks with the same dome-related issues.  Not surprisingly, Boxx built a loyal base of fathead cooks partial to party hats.  His 2020 strategy involves deploying thousands of these “Boxx Ambassadors” throughout the presidential primary states where near-beef, soggy fries and watered-down soda are popular menu items.

Boxx said this month he launched a presidential exploratory committee, traditionally the first step in a decision to make the run.  “This whole campaign is greased for success,” he recently told his fledgling election staff, apparently completely missing the fucking irony of his comment.

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