August 25, 2022

By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, Introduced Finland’s “Partying PM” to Tito’s

“Democracy Dies in Darkness…but Not in Fani Willis’s Grand Jury”

WASHINGTON (Rueters) – US rivers and countless others worldwide are in critical condition amid the worst drought in at least 70 years. Water levels are so low that archeological treasures — and other lost icons — in some cases submerged for millennia, are being revealed on a near daily basis. The results often have been shocking.

We expect Newsmakerblog readers will be pleased to see the following list of “Top Ten” lost things exposed by the current drought:

10. Confederate Gold

In April 1865, Confederacy president and former US Secretary of War Jefferson Davis, who could hear General Grant’s Union soldiers approaching Richmond, did what any traitor would do: He disguised himself as an old lady, packed up an estimated $3 million in gold bars (worth $55 million today) and took the Midnight Train to Georgia (long before Gladys Knight sang about it). The gold was never found — until earlier this month when Georgia’s Ebenezer Creek, a bone-dry tributary of the Savannah River, gave up its famous and mysterious treasure. Finders keepers? Apparently the state of Georgia doesn’t see it that way.

9. JFK’S Brain

On Nov. 22, 1963, lone gunman Lee Harvey Oswald shot and killed John F Kennedy, the 35th president, from his secret perch on the sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository in Dallas. During the autopsy, Kennedy’s brain was removed; eventually it was moved to the National Archives but disappeared in 1966. Historian’s believe Kennedy’s younger brother, Robert, former attorney general and a US senator at the time, secretly acquired the brain and disposed of it somewhere near the Kennedy family compound in Hyannis Port, Mass. A drought on the nearby Herring River earlier this summer has led to the discovery of the missing organ. Rumor has it the younger Kennedy dumped the brain so no medical tests would reveal just how doped up JFK was on uppers, downers, painkillers and other pharmaceuticals.

8. D. B. Cooper

On Nov. 24, 1971, a mild-mannered passenger aboard a scheduled flight from Portland, Or., to Seattle threatened a stewardess with a supposed bomb in his briefcase. At Seattle, Cooper, who used a fake name, was given a $200,00 ransom then instructed the pilots to fly low and slow to Mexico City. Somewhere in the skies over southern Washington State, near the town of Ariel, Cooper jumped with a parachute and his money, never to be seen again. Now, thanks to the drought-stricken Lewis River, in a remote spot not far from Ariel, we know how the final chapter in DB’s life ended. He never spent a dime of the ransom. Excellent posture for more than half a century, though.

7. Napoleon’s Willy

The Little Corporal died in 1821 in exile on the Atlantic Ocean island of St. Helen’s following the Battle of Waterloo which didn’t go so well for him. Neither did his autopsy, apparently. Rumors surrounded the removal of Napoleon’s member — such as, why? — but this much is known: The doctor who performed his autopsy removed the organ and provided it to a priest who may have had revenge in mind. Regardless, not much is known for certain after that except “Little Nappy” never made it to its owner’s magnificent tomb at Les Invalides in Paris in 1840. Now, due to the perilously receding waters of the Seine, we know what happened to the famous appendage tattooed with a message of love for his wife Josephine. Ouch.

6. Atlantis (Formerly Known as Lost City of)

For millennia, scientists, archeologists, historians and treasure hunters have backed competing views of the fate of the ancient civilization of Atlantis: Did it succumb to a watery grave or was the whole story complete bullshit? But, thanks to climate change and drought, we now have proof the place actually existed, maybe not exactly where we first thought it was — ancient maps placed it in the Mediterranean between Gibraltar on the west and Cyprus on the east — but sure enough, it has been found. The drought in North Africa has caused the waters of the once powerful Draa River in northern Algeria to give up its 10,000-year-old secret of an ancient world.

5. Ark of the Covenant

Another ancient story concerns the whereabouts of the mysterious Ark of the Covenant built by the Israelites some 3,000 years ago under orders from their leader and prophet Moses. The Ark was meant to hold the two stone tablets etched with the Ten Commandments Moses received from God on Mt. Sinai. Although said to be held in a cathedral in Aksum, Ethiopia, the Ark hadn’t been seen in centuries. But it surfaced earlier this year when scavengers hunting along the nearly disappeared Tekeze river south of Aksum found what looked like “an old box,” one of them told Rueters. But the “box” was recognizable because “I’m a fan of Raiders of the Lost Ark,” he said. Life imitates art. We wonder what the tablets really say?

4. Noah’s Ark

Perhaps the most famous legend in the Bible, the story of Noah and the Great Flood 4,000 years ago has led to centuries of speculation about the final location of the Ark. Rumored to have run aground in Turkey and other sites throughout Europe, the ancient wreck emerged three months ago in a most unlikely locale: Rome. The rapidly receding waters of the Tiber, rain deprived for nearly a year, have revealed this remarkable find not far from the Eternal City’s other well-known historical sites. This could be just the boost Italy needs to kickstart its tourist business after the pandemic. Italian sanitation workers have complained to their union management, however, about the condition of the Ark which they’ve been assigned to clean up for public tours. “Do you know how much shit two elephants can drop in 150 days? And don’t even get me started on those hippopotamuses! It’s a huge mess in there,” one unfortunate employee told Rueters.

3. Loch Ness Monster

For how many centuries have explorers searched for the lone “monster” of a certain Scottish lake? How many hours and how much treasure have been spent in the up-to-now fruitless search for Nessie? And what about that so-called snapshot of her allegedly taken back in the 1930s? Complete bollocks.

Today, however, we have climate change and historic drought, even in the highlands, to thank for this remarkable discovery. Turns out Nessie has been living quite comfortably in her cave, watching football matches on telly, and occasionally ordering in. And Jeremy Wade thought she was just some giant fricking catfish!

2. Secret Service Text Messages From Jan 6, 2021

We knew they’d surface somewhere. As the future President John Adams said more than two centuries ago, “Facts are stubborn things.” Someone thought the truth could be hidden — under mud and branches? — but the banks of the Anacostia always reveal their secrets, given time. These awful messages speak for themselves.

1. *Newsmakerblog Exclusive* Kevin McCarthy’s Spine

When did the GOP House Leader actually lose it — and where? Turns out the FBI, during its raid on the Orange Menace’s Mar-a-Lago estate in Palm Beach earlier this month, found it protruding from the mud in a small, once-marshy section of the grounds not far from the main house. “Normally that area (where McCarthy’s famously missing backbone was discovered) has a few feet of water, but it’s been dry for several months,” a source close to No. 45 told Rueters. Federal agents, during a search for missing classified documents, came across the spine and surmised almost immediately who the one-time owner was.

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