America On The Edge: Will We Ever Back Away From The Curb?

In the age of Covid, as we’ve gotten older and fatter, we’ve gotten lazier about — well — just about everything. How many days pass before you have someone bring a meal to your car or home? Seven, three, zero? Or have newly purchased household goods or clothing dropped into your trunk or onto the front porch. Hell, even signing the title to your new condo is done curbside these days.

The Orange Menace insists the plasma from Covid-19 victims is a medical “breakthrough” for Americans while his idiot VP tells Fox News a “miracle” vaccine is but months away. Dubious claims, but what’s happening in the meantime to the ways we function on a daily basis? And will those new ways stay with us when the viral storm passes?

We sent our expendable, mask-free investigative team of Squibley and Bushwhacker out from their bunkers to hear what America has to say about this.

August 25, 2020

By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, Thought Purell Was a Lubricant

“Democracy Dies In Darkness…But There’s an ‘Ally of the Light’ Up Ahead”

WASHINGTON (Rueters) — Where would we be in these strange days without Amazon and Wayfair? Or Uber Eats and GrubHub? Americans today are finding safer, more convenient ways to shop. And if they can’t always get what they want, if they try sometimes, they get what they need.

Americans have told Rueters in interview after interview, across blue, red and purple states, a new day is coming; shopping and spending will be different from pre-Covid days.

And businesses, professional services and young entrepreneurs are watching, listening and learning.

A title company in Washington DC now completes the sale of real estate on the sidewalk in front of its office building. Sign and go.

Doctors have determined tele-medicine is a far more efficient way to manage their patient population. This is a sea change in the medical profession, practitioners told Rueters, with likely the same permanent impact as when they stopped making house calls a generation ago.

“Not all cases can be handled via Zoom or FaceTime,” a leading Maryland proctologist told Rueters. “Sometimes you just gotta see the funk up close and personal.”

Although the medical industry in the past century often has led the country in discovering innovative solutions to public health crises, there’s an even older profession whose “outside the box” thinking in the Time of Covid could broaden its financial base during tough economic times — today and during the next crisis.

Street walkers are finding by expanding their services in the new “curbside economy” they needn’t rely on just one or two “menu items” to survive. D.C. startup “Snatch N Go” is seeking to take a bite out of Uber’s and GrubHub’s revenues by specializing in the urban mobile market.

“We found our ladies can be pretty good car-hops, you know, like in the old days when they would bring food to your car,” a leading pimp in DC’s Third District told Rueters. “Sometimes a good cheeseburger and fries can be an excellent substitute for a mouth hug — and we’ll make more money from it.”

The founders of Snatch N Go already have plans for a nationally franchised empire. “What are the two things guys like the most? Well, now we can give them both — and they don’t even have to leave their cars,” said Jerry Jade, one of the company’s two owners. “I can’t tell you who the other partner is, but don’t be surprised after November to see ‘Trump’s Snatch N Go’ on our billboards.”

This being the land of the deadly Second Amendment, we have found abundant evidence that gun shop owners are getting into the curbside economy, as well.

Said Bubba Franklin of West Bejezuz, Virginia, owner of Bubba’s House of Long Guns & Ammo, “Life ain’t worth a damn iffn you can’t get your guns and ammo without hardly stopping.

“We don’t require masks in my store, ’cause this Covid bullshit is all a hoax, you see. But since all my regular customers have died in the past five months, this curbside deal seems the way to go,” Franklin added.

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  1. Jim – I think you need to get out more. (And thanks for the fuzzy photo credits)

    Mitch K

    P.S. Maybe a Trip to to the world capital of scrapple would brighten your day. It’s only about 30 miles from your new Delaware home.


  2. Great stuff. The descent from Rolling Stones references and literary devices to butt jokes was so quick it gave me whiplash.

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