Troubling link uncovered between America’s escalating beef, pork, poultry shortages and disappearance of sheltered cats, dogs. Federal law enforcement agencies launch unprecedented investigation into possible international scheme to exploit pandemic-related food shortages in order to build demand for canine, feline home-style cooking. Suspicions pointing to recently “missing” Asian leader.
May 6, 2020
By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, Winners of 2020 Pulitzer Prize for Fake News Reporting
“Democracy Dies in Darkness…Or Possibly Joe Biden’s Basement”
WASHINGTON (Rueters) — The emptying of America’s meat and poultry shelves during the coronavirus pandemic and the near simultaneous elimination of the country’s sheltered cats and dogs are closely linked, federal investigators have told Rueters.
“With major processing plants forced to close because of infected workers, we know the virus has completely fucked up the country’s food supply, especially meat and poultry,” a senior FBI official said. “So what are Americans doing? Picking up new pets? We don’t think so. We think the emptying of the country’s animal shelters serves a much darker purpose.”
The FBI official, who spoke anonymously with Rueters because he wasn’t authorized to discuss the investigation, produced charts tracking the reduction in the country’s meat and poultry supplies and the corresponding reduction of sheltered cats and dogs over the same nearly four-month period.
In the top chart, a USDA statistician told Rueters, “you can see the gradual negative impact on meat and poultry sales due to the increasing effects of the pandemic on the nation’s food supply.”
In the bottom chart, however, the downward impact of meat and poultry sales “are tracking in near lock-step” with the declining populations at animal shelters throughout the US, the USDA official said.
“Something sinister is going on here and it’s not pet adoption, not really,” a Homeland Security spokesman told Rueters. “We think evidence collected down south and overseas might hold the answer.”
Investigators said they have uncovered clues leading them to a handful of southern states where new “suspicious” recipes are appearing online.
“Ever hear of Granny’s Persian Pate or Rots and Rice? We hadn’t, either, until earlier this year,” said a USDA investigator. “We’re paying Granny a visit at her Birmingham (AL) restaurant. We have some questions for her.”
But suspicions that sheltered dogs and cats are becoming the new “Impossible” ingredient don’t stop at the US border, an FBI investigator said. “There’s strong evidence an international power is behind it all — we think we know who — pushing Americans to eat what they wouldn’t normally. There’s tremendous opportunity for profit, especially in a country ‘hangry’ for meat.”
While intelligence officials and diplomats were watching for clues as to the whereabouts of North Korea’s recently missing leader, Kim Jong-Un, “we think he was traveling and cutting deals with feline and canine suppliers. Where better to get hold of millions of cats and dogs, at little or no charge, than America’s rescue shelters,” an FBI investigator asked. “What astounds us is how fast and effective he was in clearing out all those cages. Surely he had to have help.”
The FBI said they’re looking into the recent activities of a pro-meat group, PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals), who may have collaborated with Kim in identifying and supplying ingredients for his planned move into the prepared-food market. “The money may be too big for PETA to resist,” a federal investigator added.