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Whistle-blowers, schmisel-blowers. Who needs inside guys crying foul when leaders across the planet are being shaken down by No. 45, his corrupt dealings with mobsters and crooked union officials having carried over to the Oval Office? And now he’s got a plan for dealing with stars of his “enemies list.”

8 October 2019

By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, Think Crockett and Tubbs Were Wusses

“Democracy Dies in Darkness…The Horror” — Col. W.E. Kurtz

WASHINGTON (Rueters) —Having seen how quickly foreign leaders will do his personal bidding in return for Oval Office favors, President Trump is following this same track in a significant move against his political and personal enemies, alarmed White House sources have confirmed to Rueters.

“We all know that Russia was, in fact, listening to candidate Trump. And look at how President Trump was able to bend tiny Ukraine to his will,” said one senior aide.

“Publicly, Ukraine wants to stay clear of US domestic politics, but in the end they’ll try to find anything they can on (Democratic presidential candidate) Joe Biden just to stay on Trump’s good side. And he’s learned a lesson from that,” the aide added.

More effective than relying on his compliant Justice Department, and less obvious than using the FBI, Trump is quietly and quickly working his way through a list of foreign leaders, each of whom will be “assigned” a Trump enemy to “investigate” and smear publicly, said a National Security Council member on condition of anonymity.

Top of Trump’s enemies list currently are the leading Democrats in the US House of Representatives, Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Rep. Adam Schiff, both from California, and US Sen. Charles Schumer of New York, leader of the Senate’s Democrats.

“You know how (Attorney General) Bill Barr was in Italy lately,” the NSC member said. “He had a message from Trump for Prime Minister (Giuseppe) Conte: Start digging up dirt – or making it up – on Pelosi and her family, D’Alesandro. The tradeoff? For starters, we don’t shut down Perillo Tours for being a huge scam.

“Trump has a lot of business acquaintances with family roots in Italy — and the potential to do a lot of favors for their US cousins, most of whom are in federal prisons. Does the phrase ‘pardon me’ mean anything to you?” another White House aide explained.

Schiff, number two on the enemies list, is chairman of the House Intelligence Committee. He is de facto leader of the impeachment inquiry into Trump’s shaking down the new president of Ukraine for dirt on former Vice President Biden, his likely 2020 opponent.

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For Schiff and Schumer, both of whose families are from Germany, Trump has had to go to his least favorite European leader, German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

“Trump wanted to wait until Merkel was out of office, but that’s not for another two years, so he’s really playing the bully with her,” a source told Rueters.

Her payoff?

Barack Obama’s private number.

“Trump recognizes love and adoration when he sees it. This turned out to be much easier than we thought it would be.”

But not all Trump’s enemies are political. Among his most publicized personal and bitter disputes are or were with the infamous Rosie O’Donnell, Robert De Niro, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Meryl Streep and the late John McCain whose feud with Trump transcended politics.

“There’s not much more that can be done about McCain at this point. The guy’s dead and buried and all that happened without Trump going anywhere near him,” an aide told Rueters. “But the others are fair game, as far as this psycho is concerned.”

Schwarzenegger, the actor and former California governor, is a naturalized citizen originally from Austria. “How much trouble do you think it will be for Trump to press Austrian President Van der Bellen to launch an investigation into the Terminator’s family?

“Van der Bellen is a Green Party member, so what if Trump says something like, OK, climate change isn’t a Chinese hoax. You think that would do it? Besides, Trump thinks Arnold left Austria on bad terms, maybe something to do with taxes. Anyway, trouble’s coming for the governator” the source said.

Rosie O’Donnell, proud descendant of Irish immigrants, will be officially investigated for crimes against the people of the Emerald Isle, according to Ireland President Michael Higgins.

“Apparently Higgins hates Rosie as much as Trump does,” an aide said. “He was only too happy to be asked. He’ll dig up or make up shit on Rosie free of charge, he told Trump.”

De Niro is proving to be difficult for Trump to launch a smear campaign through complicit foreign leaders, a White House source admitted.

“De Niro has dropped a ton of f-bombs referring to the president and doesn’t seem to care two shits what anyone says about him. So maybe he really is like some of the tough guys he plays,” a source familiar with the president’s thinking said.

“But Meryl Streep is a different story. Trump knows he can line up any number of countries to investigate her just based on some of her terrible movies.

“Remember the French Lieutenant’s Woman, Julie and Julia, The Iron Lady, and Mamma Mia, for chrissakes?

“France, England, Sweden, they’d all want a crack at her,” he said.

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