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When President Trump explained to a largely white crowd at the Lincoln Memorial on July Fourth that the Continental Army, among its many feats, had captured airports in its long and difficult march toward victory against the British, GOP leaders in the US knew exactly what they had to do.

July 7, 2019

By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, The Siegfried and Roy of Man-Eating Journalism

“Democracy Dies in Darkness...Like Western Liberalism in San Francisco”

WASHINGTON, DC (RUETERS) — Education authorities in Republican-controlled states are moving at an unprecedented pace to update middle school history texts based on President Trump’s latest declaration the Continental Army in the 1770s captured several airports in its near-decade-long effort to drive the British from America, Rueters has learned.

“When we heard that, it was like being struck by lightning. We knew we had to set the record straight for future generations of school children,” Beto O’Buick, chairman of the influential Texas State Board of Education, told Rueters.

The Texas education board, whose choices in K-12 text books are followed by at least 10 other mostly southern states, wields enormous influence in what millions of five- to 18-year-olds will read and learn during their formative years.

The Orange Menace, in his heavily-hyped speech heard by thousands wearing MAGA caps at the memorial and seen by millions on television, said, “In June of 1775, the Continental Congress created a unified Army out of the Revolutionary Forces encamped around Boston and New York, and named after the great George Washington, commander in chief. 

“The Continental Army suffered a bitter winter of Valley Forge, found glory across the waters of the Delaware and seized victory from Cornwallis of Yorktown.

“Our Army manned the air, it rammed the ramparts, it took over the airports, it did everything it had to do, and at Fort McHenry, under the rocket’s red glare it had nothing but victory. And when dawn came, their star-spangled banner waved defiant.” The MAGA cap wearers appeared to agree with every word of the president’s.

O’Buick said, “The president’s speech brought forth so much new information about US history, we felt we had to update the curriculum and text books starting this fall. We’ve only got six to eight weeks to get it all done before the kids go back to school.”

The Texas education chairman noted these historical revelations in Trump’s speech: The Continental Army “was named after the great George Washington”; Valley Forge appears to have happened the same year as the Battle of Trenton (“glory across…the Delaware”); and, after taking over the airports, the army “had nothing but victory” at Fort McHenry.

“Sure,” said O’Buick, “traditional historians will quibble with the dates, but the key thing our president is saying here is that America got ‘er done — eventually.”

Ned Cruz, Alabama secretary of education and twin brother of the widely reviled US Sen Ted Cruz (R-TX), told Rueters his “reformers” were working to update middle school history books with Trump’s July Fourth pronouncements. “I’m having my team of planners look at some of the president’s other important, earlier declarations for inclusion in the revised texts.”

Among them:

Climate change “is a hoax by the Chinese.”

Among white supremacists in Charlottesville, VA, in 2017 were “some very fine people.”

Slavery (along with Kanye West who visited No. 45 in the Oval Office) lasted 400 years, so it “sounds like a choice” to have continued for so long.

Mexicans are “bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.”

“We’re having problems with the Muslims, and we’re having problems with the Muslims coming into the country”;

“I think Islam hates us.”

In response to Russian President Putin’s claim western-style liberalism is doomed and authoritarianism is the future, No. 45 said, “I don’t know what they’re thinking (about American liberalism) because when you look at Los Angeles, when you look at San Francisco, when you look at some of the other cities, and not a lot, not a lot, but you don’t want it to spread, and at a certain point, maybe, the federal government has to get involved. We can’t continue to let that happen to our cities,” apparently referring to “liberalism” — which was not exactly what Putin was talking about.

Said Cruz, “I know my colleagues in Louisiana, Mississippi, Arkansas, Georgia, Oklahoma and so many other ‘red’ states will gladly fund the changes needed to the kids’ history books. You know what they say, ‘If you don’t know your history, you’re condemned to repeat it.’ Even the made up shit.”

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