Hockey stars Evgeni Malkin and Alex Ovechkin
during playing of Russian national anthem at 2014
Winter Olympics. Will they be singing a different
tune at the next Games? (Credit: AP photo)
By Arthur P. Bushwhacker
Association Press Writer
(Moscow, May 8, 2014) — With his eyes on western expansion and a new bounce in his step following the lightning annexation of Crimea, Russian Federation President Vladimir Putin has decided it’s time the country changed its tune — literally.
Sources have confirmed to the Association Press that Putin last month ordered the formation of a secret committee comprised of a dozen trusted Parliament cronies to search for a replacement to the country’s official song, the “State Anthem of the Russian Federation” adopted upon Putin’s orders in 2000.
“The anthem is a dog,” said a Kremlin insider. “No one likes it. No one can remember the words and it’s about as inspirational as the ‘Song of the Volga Boatmen’ which, in fact, may have been written by the same guy.”
Putin, who is eyeing another major land grab, likely again at the expense of Ukraine, has told the anthem search committee he is willing to consider a wide range of candidates, from classical to rock, from instrumental to lyrical — provided they represented the values and ambitions of the Russian people — or his, at least.
The committee has been working nearly 24/7 the past three weeks to meet Putin’s deadline. “The president wants to announce the new anthem over his dinner of Chicken Kiev in the soon-to-be former Ukraine capital,” the source said.
Committee members have considered and dismissed more than 100 suggestions, the AP was told, including, ironically, the ‘Song of the Volga Boatmen,’ cast aside because “it’s a bit of a downer — Yo Ho Heave Ho and all that crap. Where’s the fun in that?”
A list of proposed anthems, purportedly all approved by the search committee for Putin’s final selection, has been leaked to AP. They include:
“Laura’s Theme” from “Dr. Zhivago” — “I got my doubts about this one. We all thought Omar Sharif was from Kyrgyzstan. Turns out he’s Egyptian. Who knew?” the Kremlin source told AP.
“1812 Overture” by P.I. Tchaikovsky — “Of course everyone loves the part with the cannons, and what good Russian patriot doesn’t love cannons? But Napoleon kicked the sh– out of us during that war. Thank God for our horrible winters. Maybe not the best choice.”
“Blue Danube Waltz” by Johann Strauss — “After Ukraine, who knows what’s on the president’s GPS?”
“Lenin on Me” — “This is a Russian adaptation of the popular Bill Withers song and represents the message now being conveyed to the pro-separatists operating in Ukraine. It’s got a chance, I’m just saying.”
“Brezhnev-er Say Die” — “Borrowed from the Black Sabbath classic and certainly appropriate for the times.”
“Putin on the Ritz” — “The president likes show tunes and Irving Berlin, so he took this one for himself. And whatever the president likes, the president takes. You can almost see our tanks rolling into Monte Carlo now. Definitely a leading contender.”
“Back in the USSR” by Paul McCartney — “It could happen. That’s the plan, anyway, isn’t it?”