Diplomats say they’ve found “win-win” path for expanding Russian Federation, avoiding confrontation


Crowd gathers March 31, 2014, outside Scottish Parliament in

Edinburgh to show support for joining Russian Federation. 

(Credit – Rueters)

By Barry May and Andrew Squibley

LONDON Monday, March 31, 2014 9:56am EDT

(Rueters) – Western diplomats are discussing for the first time a plan they believe will satisfy Russian President Vladimir Putin’s stated desire for expanding the Russian Federation while simultaneously ridding some European and other nations of major domestic headaches.

On the back of Russia’s swift occupation and annexation of the Crimea, British diplomats working with their EU counterparts reportedly hatched a plan to turn over to Putin certain “undesirable” provinces — in the UK and elsewhere — to discourage the Russian leader from grabbing territory that other countries would actually like to keep.

Sources told Rueters British Prime Minister David Cameron has quietly offered Scotland to the Russian president, and sweetened the deal by throwing in Northern Ireland if Russia agrees to sign the paperwork by the end of April. 

 “Let’s face facts,” Cameron reportedly told Putin, “the Scots want out of the United Kingdom and history tells us they cannot govern themselves.  This seems like a win-win for Russia and the UK.”  As for the offer of Northern Ireland, Cameron told the Russian leader, “What can I say that hasn’t already been said?  What can I try that hasn’t already been tried?  It’s yours for the asking.”

Communicating informally through back channels, Cameron allegedly told Putin that Scotland had some great seaports ready for the Russian Navy and, like Northern Ireland, many great golf courses.  “Other than that, like Russia, the weather, food and culture are crap.”


Cameron’s initiative reportedly has captured the attention of his fellow EU leaders and those in North America.

Spanish Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy, while two weeks ago rejecting a possible independence referendum by Catalonia’s regional government, said he thought offering the most populous region in northeastern Spain to Russia would appeal to the former Soviets’ desire for westward expansion.  “Catalonia has a great port — Barcelona on the Mediterranean Sea — and, unlike Scotland, its food, weather and culture are wonderful.  What’s not to love about Catalonia?”

In an interview with Rueters, Rajoy said, “I’m sick of all this independent Basque nonsense.  Basque language.  Basque politics.  Basque culture.  Enough already!  The Basques cannot rule themselves.  They couldn’t organize a trip to the baño. What they need is some tough love from Mother Russia.  It’s for their own good.”

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper was briefed Monday by Cameron on his plans for Scotland and Northern Ireland.  Harper’s spokesman in Ottawa said Wednesday plans to offer the province of Quebec to Russia are “advanced” and likely will be formally presented to the Canadian Parliament for approval by next week.

“We’ve got the votes to do this,” said Harper’s press secretary.  “The Quebecors have wanted out (of Canada) since that ass Rene Levesque first started pushing his separatist doctrine back in the 60s and 70s.  So now they can leave.  I hope they enjoy vodka and borscht,” the spokesman told Rueters on Monday.  “What’s in it for the Russians?  Another good port for their navy — and Montreal.  Au revoir, Quebec.”


Secretary of State John Kerry has told President Obama the plan to offer Russia various troubled sovereign territories “has merit,” sources told Rueters, and should be seriously considered as a way of reducing tensions with Putin.  “The guy’s sitting on what — 2,000?  3,000? — nukes.  How pissed off do we really want to make him?”

In a Cabinet meeting held Monday at the White House, Obama’s department heads voted 15-0 to offer Putin Mississippi with a sweetener of Puerto Rico if they could close by April 30th.  Sources told Rueters the argument to dump Mississippi was led by the secretaries of Education, Health & Human Services, and Housing & Urban Development who reportedly told their colleagues they had tried everything they could think of and now it was time for the Russians to take a shot.

Once rumors began to circulate in Biloxi the “Redneck Riviera” could be part of the newest annexation to the Russian Federation, Mayor Bubba Nibley told Rueters, “Hell, yes!  Bring on those Russian sailor boys!  We know they love to drink and gamble and spend time with the ladies.  We got it all here in Biloxi.  I even got my girls back at Nimrod’s House of Pleasure one of them Rosetta Stones so they can learn to speak with their new customers.  How do you say ‘rub-n-tug’ in Rusky?”

As for Russian reaction to the Western plan to ease tensions, there was no formal statement from Putin’s office.  However, one of his deputies, who asked to remain anonymous, lest he end up in Siberia, said, “These are interesting places, but I think the president has his eye on a dacha in South Beach.”


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