August 16, 2022

By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, Putting Trump’s “President of France” Papers Up for Bid

“Democracy Dies in Darkness…and in Mar-a-Lago’s Sock Drawer”

WASHINGTON (Rueters) – The Orange Menace on Tuesday ended speculation about why he kept boxes of the nation’s most sensitive nuclear secrets with an announcement on eBay to “let the bidding begin.”

The 45th president hinted early in the day on his social media platform he would soon take the wraps off the so-called “top secret/sensitive compartmented information” he had kept at his Palm Beach, Fla, estate since leaving office Jan. 20, 2021. “Tune in to eBay,” he messaged. “Will be wild.”

Figured to generate billions of dollars for the financially pressed former president, the online auction of the nation’s nuclear secrets — including instructions for model enthusiasts on building a miniature Minuteman nuke complete with a Manhattan-sized “surface burst” — could be a huge win for China, Russia, North Korea, Iran and the Islamic State (ISIS), arms experts said.

“We thought during the raid last week at Mar-a-Lago we got all the boxes with the nuclear secrets,” a source at the FBI told Rueters. “Turns out, Trump has an industrial-sized Xerox machine. He can keep cranking these (papers) out for as long as there are buyers.”

The threat of a long prison sentence for violating the federal Espionage Act apparently isn’t deterring No. 45 from this latest money-making scheme, Department of Justice investigators said.

“He’s screwed everyone who’s done business with him or relied on his word. Did he go to jail for anything? No, of course not. He believes he’s completely bulletproof,” a DOJ source told Rueters.

“This guy has been fucking impeached as many times as all 44 of his predecessors combined,” the source added. “What happened to him? Nothing. He thinks — no, he’s certain — the threat of civil war will keep him out of supermax,” the maximum security federal prison in Colorado.

Money has long been suspected as the Orange Menace’s motivation for selling US national security secrets to the highest bidders, an FBI senior investigator told Rueters. “He’s personally on the hook for something approaching half a billion dollars in loan repayments. His company owes hundreds of millions more and the Trump Organization may be forced out of business” subsequent to criminal and civil investigations in New York. “A multi-billion-dollar day on eBay is just what the doctor ordered.”

TURNABOUT IS FAIR PLAY: GOP GOVERNORS GET ONE-WAY TICKET TO THE BIG APPLE

NEW YORK (Rueters) – Republican governors who have bused thousands of immigrants in their states to Washington DC and New York City, without informing city leaders or telling passengers what to do when they arrived, have themselves been dropped off without warning or preparation at Manhattan’s sketchy Port Authority, Rueters has learned.

“We first got a frantic phone call yesterday from (Texas) Governor Abbott’s office wondering where he was,” a spokesman for the Republican Governors Association in Boston told Rueters. “Then, boom, boom, boom. We heard from the offices of Governors DeSantis, Ducey and Noem — all wondering where the hell they were.”

The four Republican governors, Abbott, DeSantis of Florida, Ducey of Arizona and Noem of South Dakota, were told they would receive “special treatment and a comfortable limousine ride” to the upcoming governors’ conference in Boston, an RGA spokesman said. “Only none of it was true, of course. This really took some planning. Everyone fell for the hoax, even their security details. It’s kind of genius.”

Abbott and Ducey, without any advanced notice, have sent an estimated 5,000 Mexican and Central and South American immigrants via buses to the nation’s capital and New York City, both of which are struggling under the strain to cope with the influx.

DeSantis has followed the same tactic with Caribbean and Cuban immigrants while Noem, responding to an influx of unwelcome Canadians, has hired buses to take them east, far from South Dakota, her spokesman confirmed. “Does anyone think Canadians are preferable to Mexicans,” the spokesman said. “In South Dakota, we don’t think that at all.”

An official with the Texas Rangers (not the baseball team) said he understood each governor handed over his or her smartphone for charging during the drive to where they assumed was Boston. “So, they pull into the Port Authority,” the Ranger told Rueters, “and they’ve got no phone and no idea where they are. As pranks go, it was kind of perfect, but don’t quote me on that.”

Meanwhile, more migrants continued arriving in New York City after city officials took aim at the governors for busing migrants detained at the border to the city as part of their campaign to draw attention to the influx of migrant crossing from Mexico.

New York City officials said intake centers are already overwhelmed with more than 4,000 people since a surge that began in May. No information or other assistance is provided the immigrants, according to officials in New York and Washington.

“They arrive here with nothing. They’re told only to get on the bus. That’s it. That’s how we’re treating these people who’ve been through hell already,” a spokesman for DC Mayor Muriel Bowser told Rueters.

Three buses with approximately 100 migrants from Texas arrived in New York City early Tuesday morning, city officials said. The migrants who arrived Wednesday were from Venezuela and Colombia, said a spokesperson for Mayor Eric Adams’ Office of Immigrant Affairs.

The governors, though lost and confused, weren’t without help, however. According to several witnesses at the Port Authority, immigrants from Texas and Arizona offered the four state leaders coffee and sandwiches which they had been given by volunteers who were trying to find them temporary housing in New York.

“These people had nothing,” a New York City official said, “and yet they offered the governors food. Why aren’t we doing more for the immigrants.”

While the governors eventually got their bearings (one of them reportedly recognized the Empire State Building) and contacted their offices, the hunt in all four state capitals for the perpetrators of the hoax was continuing.

“Naturally, Democrats and left-wing radicals are suspected,” a spokesman for the Arizona Bureau of Investigation told reporters. “But maybe it was just some pissed off Uber driver who couldn’t get his family into the country. Frankly, shouldn’t governors be smarter than that?”

Like Shooting…Hoffa?…in a Barrel

HENDERSON, Nev. (Rueters) – Federal investigators, called back at least four times to examine additional human remains found in the receding waters of Lake Meade, are telling Department of Justice officials they think they’ve found “the big one” in a rusty barrel resting on shore at the once popular desert attraction outside Las Vegas.

Former Teamsters Union leader Jimmy Hoffa, seen here in April 1975 watching a class of third graders playing in traffic, may have ended up with a bullet in his head, stuffed into this 55-gallon drum (above) and dropped to the bottom of the once deep Lake Meade reservoir, FBI investigators have told their bosses at DOJ. “This could be the answer to one of the biggest mysteries in US law enforcement history,” Rueters was told. (UPI photo, left; Rueters photo, right)

One-time International Brotherhood of Teamsters president Jimmy Hoffa disappeared from a restaurant in suburban Detroit on July 30, 1975, and never was seen again — dead or alive. For nearly half a century, rumors of his demise and burial have circulated widely throughout the country. Books have been written and movies made speculating about Hoffa’s ultimate fate. But if anyone knows the truth, he or she isn’t saying.

In an odd coincidence, an official told Rueters, the potential answer to Hoffa’s disappearance may finally be revealed because of climate change. “You know, scientists have uncovered baby woolly mammoths, some now-unfrozen cavemen and even a World War One bunker up in the Alps. All because of global warming.”

“Wouldn’t that be something if Hoffa is found for the same reason,” a retired FBI agent who worked on Hoffa’s disappearance said. Lake Meade, once a 250-square-mile reservoir formed in the 1930s by the construction of Hoover Dam, is drying up because of a historic drought throughout the US west.

A number of discoveries at the lake’s bottom, now exposed, have been made by scientists, archaeologists and treasure hunters including an abandoned World War Two amphibious transport and the remains of at least four people. One set of human remains is a man believed to have been shot in the head sometime in the mid-1970s.

DNA testing — nearly impossible because of the deteriorated condition of the body –to confirm the identity of the gunshot victim in the barrel could take at least another month, FBI forensics experts said. “If it is Jimmy, he can wait. He’s not in a hurry to be anywhere.”

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