December 5, 2021

By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, Promised Cuomo Internship if CNN Gig Didn’t Work Out

“Democracy Dies in Darkness…and Might Take Build Back Better With It”

WASHINGTON (Rueters) – Top Pentagon officials, tasked by Congress with investigating UFO sightings over the United States, have actively put the effort into “a slow roll,” military insiders have confirmed to Rueters.

Under orders by lawmakers, the Pentagon this summer created a new intelligence division exclusively dedicated to investigating unidentified objects that breach sensitive U.S. airspace, to understand both their origin and whether they could threaten national security.

“But we just don’t want to do it,” an official speaking anonymously told Rueters. “With the Russians and Chinese developing hypersonic ballistic missiles that can deliver nuclear warheads, and with North Korea getting into the nuclear act, why the fuck is Congress telling us to look out for ET?”

There’s just no evidence “the truth is out there,” another skeptical source said in reference to the 1990s sci-fi television program The X-Files.

The new division — which the Defense Department will call its Airborne Object Identification and Management Synchronization Group — is a direct response to more than 140 reports of “unidentified aerial phenomena,” or UAP, dating back nearly two decades and documented in a government study issued this past summer.

That inquiry, intended to determine whether such sightings were signs of foreign threats, atmospheric anomalies, faulty sensors or even extraterrestrial life, yielded a report with few firm conclusions.

The group’s formation was directed by Kathleen Hicks, President Biden’s deputy secretary of defense. In a statement accompanying Tuesday’s announcement, defense officials said the government study made clear a need “to improve our ability to understand UAP.” The Pentagon treats reports of such “incursions — by any airborne object, identified or unidentified — very seriously,” particularly sightings occurring “on or near DOD training ranges and installations,” it said.

Before the UAP report, produced by the Office of the Director of National Intelligence, public scrutiny of such sightings was largely anecdotal, shrugged off in many circles as fantastical. But many of the observations it documented originated with U.S. military personnel, mainly Navy aviators. And there has been pressure on the Pentagon since, especially from Congress to come up with more exacting and comprehensive answers about what these objects are and whether they pose a threat to U.S. interests.

The government report from June left open the possibility that there are “other” explanations for the observed unidentified phenomena, though its authors were careful to note they found no evidence of alien life. Like we said, “Nothing to see here.”

CovidTron? What’s Next, “Optimus-Fauci”?

PAWTUCKET, RI (Rueters) – Hasbro Inc (HAS.O), maker of the four decades old cash cow “Transformers,” beat quarterly profit estimates last week, helped by a rebound in its TV and film production business and early sales of its latest bad-guy Decepticon, “Omicron-Magnus” based on the latest Covid-19 variant threatening to overtake Delta as the most lethal mutation of the coronavirus.

Hasbro CEO Rich Stoddart told Rueters that criticism of the company for introducing the newest Transformer while Americans are still dying from Covid-19 was “misplaced and misunderstood.”

“What better way to inspire unvaccinated kids and their parents to get protected,” Stoddart said, “than making them feel a part of fighting the Decepticons. Autobots, vaccinate!”

A national medical group remained skeptical about the value of the new toy, however. “This is nuts. Why isn’t there a cancer doll or HIV pogo-stick,” a spokesman for the American College of Pediatricians told Rueters. Despite these objections, there was no arguing with the business behind the decision to introduce Omicron-Magnus. The toymaker’s shares rose 5% last week, despite the company’s warning that even with Omicron-Magnus its sales could take a hit during the crucial holiday shopping season.

Hasbro said it expects 2021 revenue to rise between 13% and 16%, but warned supply issues could impact its ability to achieve the high-end of its forecast.

PUTIN DECLARES IT’S TIME: “WE’RE BRINGING OUR HEROES HOME FOR THE KIND OF CELEBRATION THEY DESERVE”

Moscow (Rueters) — In what US diplomats are calling “a major distraction from Russia’s earthbound problems,” the Kremlin announced Friday a major effort to “repatriate” two of its earliest space heroes left to orbit the Earth six decades ago.

“Laika and Valentina should be brought home. It’s time. They’ve been up there long enough,” declared Russian President Vladimir Putin, referring to the 11-lb mongrel who became the first animal launched into orbit and Valentina Tereshkova, then-wife of Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev, long rumored to be sent into space in 1963 as a “favor” to the unhappily married USSR leader.

In a throwback to “days of glorious people’s revolution,” Putin announced, both Laika and Tereshkova will receive the “Hero of the Soviet Union” medals, the highest honor of the now-defunct USSR, and a parade through the Covid-infested capital city.

US and other western diplomats are skeptical about the timing of Russia’s so-called “rescue and repatriation” of the two historical firsts — dog and woman — to be shot into space. “Here you’ve got Covid-19 devastating the Russian population because their national vaccination is shit,” one US State Department official told Rueters on the condition of anonymity. “And on the other hand, you’ve got something like 200,000 Russian troops massing on the Ukraine border waiting for orders to invade. So now Putin needs a feel good story to feed the masses.”

During the “space race” of the 1950s and 60s, the Soviets took the lead in launching passengers into the great beyond. A return ticket wasn’t always part of the deal, however, said Elon University history professor Ryan Schrader, who has written extensively about the competition between the US and USSR to dominate space.

“The Soviets were really surprised when (President John) Kennedy challenged America to send a man to the moon and safely return him to Earth,” Schrader told Rueters. “They hadn’t really thought much about bringing the guy — or dog or woman — back. Yuri Gagarin, the first man sent up in a rocket, pretty much just fell back to Earth. There was really no planning it.”

Gagarin’s capsule, Vostok 1, nicknamed “bol’shoy metallicheskiy rok,” Russian for “big metal rock,” crashed at terminal velocity into the steppes of the Saratov oblast in April 1961. The stouthearted Gagarin emerged from the severely damaged capsule alive not quite the same man who was launched a couple of hours earlier.

Vostok 1, left, Cosmonaut’s Yuri Gagarin’s “big metal rock,” wrecked on the steppes of Saratov oblast where it crashed in April 1961. Right, a proud Gagarin, still stouthearted but somewhat reduced in stature, strolls the streets of his hometown, Klushino, Russia, in 1964. Gagarin reportedly died in 1968, cause was said to be “shortness of breath.” (Photos courtesy TASS)

Current space technology has reached a point, a NASA official told Rueters, where even the Russians can return their cosmonauts “if they want to.”

The NASA official continued: “We’re not really sure how they’ve (Laika and Tereshkova) managed to stay alive all these years. What have they been eating? Space kibble?”

Putin said “Muttnik” and Tereshkova would be retrieved in separate maneuvers by the International Space Station crew. “Russia will yet again establish new records for most orbits by animal or human (about one million times each) and with both the oldest dog and oldest woman to visit the space station,” he told reporters outside his palace on the Black Sea.

“Once we have them back on Earth, we can plan parade. Quarantine first. We don’t want them bringing another damn virus into the country. We need another pandemic like I need another castle,” the multi-billionaire Russian president said.

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