October 31, 2021

By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, Going Long on Coal

“Democracy Dies in Darkness…It Said So in Trump’s Notes from January 6”

CHARLESTON, W.Va. (Rueters) – West Virginia Gov. Jim Justice has developed a secret plan to double the state’s territory in 2022, Rueters has learned, providing unemployed miners in the Mountain State access to some of the largest coal deposits in the Appalachians.

The ambitious scheme, leaked by a source in Justice’s cabinet, would take West Virginia to 30th in size among the 50 states, at roughly 48,000 square miles, just ahead of New York. Currently, at 24,000 square miles, West Virginia ranks 41st in size.

Last week Justice told a news conference he would welcome three western Maryland counties whose Republican legislators have asked to join the state. “Absolutely, without any question, the invitation is wide open,” Justice, a Republican, said, adding, “We want everyone to always know that we’re absolutely standing here with open arms, we welcome these counties and would be tickled to death to have them.”

Annapolis sources are saying Maryland Gov. Larry Hogan “is more than half-tempted” to ditch the state’s entire western panhandle. “Campaigning out there is a giant pain in the ass,” Hogan allegedly told supporters. “And I don’t think the people out there can even read.”

The land-hungry West Virginia governor is looking well past acquiring just the three miserably poor and culturally backward Maryland counties, sources reported. Justice is looking to expand in all directions, according to the secret plan.

“On the surface, those three Maryland counties — Garrett, Allegany and Washington — seem a good fit with the rest of West Virginia,” said a source inside the governor’s office. “They’re really horrible places to live. Welcome to the club. Welcome to West Virginia.”

Justice’s ambitions for doubling the size of West Virginia — and tapping into valuable coal reserves in all surrounding states — however, is a wager that international efforts to reduce or halt climate change will fail, leaving industrial nations to revert back to coal as their primary energy supply. “And who will be waiting for them,” asked a Justice cabinet insider. “Take me home, country roads.”

Strategists from multiple agencies in Justice’s executive branch, all sworn to secrecy, have pondered how to acquire some 24,000 square miles divided among its neighbors Kentucky, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Maryland and Virginia, plus a small but coal-rich slice of Tennessee.

“Sending in divisions of the West Virginia National Guard in a midnight raid seemed like a good idea at first,” a source told Rueters, “until researchers learned that the other states also had National Guard units. Who knew?”

“Then we thought federal lawsuits against each of the surrounding states alleging human-rights abuses in specific counties might set up a way for us to take over. But, of course, West Virginia doesn’t exactly have the greatest history in that department, either,” the source said.

“Then we realized we had the winning strategy all along, right in front of us. Joe Manchin. Joe was governor from 2005 to 2010 and he knows a great plan for the state when he sees one,” the source said. “He’s seen how easily he can completely fuck up a Democratic president’s infrastructure plans. Just wait until he introduces the ‘New West Virginia Establishment Act of 2022.’ If Joe doesn’t get his way, nothing — and we mean nothing — will get through Congress. So, yeah, we think Joe’s the way to do it.”

Obstetricians Globally Reporting Yet Another Unwanted ‘Supply Chain’ Disruption

LONDON (Rueters) – Obstetricians and pediatricians worldwide are seeing what they fear is a near-universal “long-haul effect” among couples when both partners have contracted Covid-19, that is combined delays with both fertilization and gestation, adding another two months, on average, between conception and birth, according to British experts.

In an article published Saturday in the prestigious British medical journal that addresses fertility issues, Birds, Bees and Storks, researchers announced it appears the coronavirus responsible for 5 million deaths worldwide, including 141,000 in the United Kingdom and nearly three-quarters of a million in the US, is causing significant delays in both the fertilization and gestation of human offspring.

“It appears the ‘sticky’ bits of the coronavirus cell is holding up the little ‘swimmers’ as they make for their target post-ejaculation,” said lead researcher Dr. Jerry Nichts-Wissen at Cambridge University.

Human sperm has several challenges en route to fertilizing a female’s egg, Nichts-Wissen said. “Among them are the clock, they only live so long. Also, the environment, are there devices in place to disrupt their mission,” he added.

“But, this damn coronavirus cell, it’s acting like the bloody Berlin Wall, halting all swimmers in their respective lanes,” Nichts-Wissen said.

“Although artificial devices – an inter-uterine device comes to mind – may permanently stop the army of spermatozoa dead in their tracks,” he continued, “coronavirus just seems to hold them in place temporarily until, finally, they can break through and get on with actual fertilization. We don’t understand everything, however, such as why actual gestation is taking so long once the delayed conception occurs.”

Economists have told Rueters an additional 20 to 25 percent delay in the whole birth process could have an enormously harmful impact on the $750 billion a year international newborn business. “Suddenly, expectations for births are in chaos. Parents could delay expenditures on any number of baby items by months. The ripple effects of this kind of disruption will certainly reach into the economies of every country on the planet. Governments will have to prepare for the fallout,” one leading economist said.

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NFL Hall of Fame QB Brett Favre Announces Non-Speaking Fees for 2022

JACKSON, Miss. (Rueters) – Retired NFL legend-turned-Copper Fit-huckster Brett Favre has repaid the remaining $600,000 of $1.1 million he owed the state of Mississippi for fraudulently accepting fees for speeches he didn’t give.

State Attorney General Lynn Fitch told Rueters her office still may sue Favre if he doesn’t pay within the next few weeks another $228,000 in interest on the bogus fees received between 2016 and 2019.

Mississippi State Auditor Shad White said, “If he does not pay that (interest) within 30 days of our demand, the AG will be responsible for enforcing the payment of the interest in court.”

Because Mississippi really likes famous quarterbacks living in the country’s poorest state, Favre astoundingly is not facing criminal charges.  But former Mississippi Department of Human Services Director John Davis, who arranged payments to Favre even though the football hall of famer never appeared for any of his scheduled speeches, has been charged in one of the state’s largest embezzlement cases.

White said in May 2020 that Favre had repaid $500,000 of the $1.1 million in welfare money he received for multiple no-show speeches over a period of several years. Favre was paid by Mississippi Community Education Center, a nonprofit group whose former leader also was involved the embezzlement scheme, according to state investigators.

A contrite Favre told Rueters he wouldn’t have accepted the money for not giving speeches if he had known his audiences were meant to be “poor people.”

But the scam apparently has given Favre, known for hawking a line of ineffective, fraudulently promoted “Copper Fit” compression products, inspiration for creating future sketchy revenue streams.

Rueters is first to have Favre’s fee list for not showing up at next year’s scheduled events. “I want to be clear,” the Mississippi native said, “I won’t accept welfare money. Otherwise, I’m pretty much okay with anything else.”

Favre’s 2022 non-speaking fees are as follows, according to his representative:

Construction industry conferences (no-show, one hour) — $50,000

Sports/automotive conventions (no-show, no autographs) — $100,000

ComicCon and similar conventions (no-show, one hour) — $120,000

Financial/Securities conferences (no-show, one hour) — $125,000

CES (tech) convention, Las Vegas (no-show, day long) — $250,000

AVN (adult video) convention, Las Vegas (he’ll go) – Free

Cancer ward, any Children’s Hospital (no show) – Free

For further details event planners may contact Favre’s business agent, law firm Bubba Nibley and Associates, Biloxi, Miss.

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