Georgia Governor Signs White Tourism Act Into Law; Promotes Slavery-Era Historical Sites; State Readies for Return to Boon Times; Bonus Feature: The Suez Clowns

Republican Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp, vilified by Orange Menace for “losing” state in 2020 presidential election, attempts to win back Trumpers by pushing tourism to ‘non-minority’ visitors; infamous slave-holding plantations, notorious Civil War prison camps, appalling Stone Mountain memorial earmarked for special promotions; Peach State unveils latest ad slogan: ‘Y’All Free, White and 21? Georgia Is Waiting!’

March 26, 2021Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp (R) signs into law state’s new White Tourism Formula Act in his State Capitol office in Atlanta. With Kemp are six other middle-aged White guys, leaders of Georgia Legislature, there to remind state residents who is still in charge. WTF will promote historical sites “perfect for White visitors,” Kemp said in his official remarks, including infamous Callaway Plantation in Wilkes County which imprisoned hundreds of slaves over multiple generations, on display in a 1913 oil painting hanging behind Kemp’s desk. (Rueters Photo)

March 29, 2021

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ATLANTA (Rueters) – Georgia lawmakers have allocated $100 million per the newly passed White Tourism Formula Act (WTF) to attract visitors to hundreds of sites that focus on the state’s pro-slavery history just as Covid-19 restrictions are easing and vaccinations become more widespread. “This is the right time to invest in our future by relying on our past,” said Gov. Brian Kemp (R) while authorizing the new spending bill.

Georgia Rep. Park Cannon (D) is hauled away by state troopers after arriving for governor’s signing of the WTF Act. She knocked persistently on the door to the governor’s office but was informed by staff the ceremony was “Whites only.” (Rueters Photo)

Kemp told reporters at the signing ceremony the new law “dovetails nicely” with Georgia’s new voting rights act that largely eliminates various methods by which millions of Black citizens and other minorities voted in 2020, pushing Georgia into the “blue” column by picking Joe Biden as president and flipping two crucial US Senate seats from Republican to Democrat.

“We’ve been pragmatic about this investment,” a senior aide to Kemp told Rueters. “With the restrictions in the new voting law, it’s not like Blacks and other minorities are going to want to spend their money at Georgia’s tourist attractions. We might as well go after Whites in a big way. WTF will let us do that.”

The aide, speaking to Rueters on condition of anonymity, outlined early “major promotional splashes” occurring in April to encourage families to spend a day or two this summer at various well known plantations throughout Georgia, including Callaway in Wilkes County, “to teach our children who we are and who we want them to be.”

“There will be a ton of things for our White visitors to do at the plantation,” a tourism manager told Rueters. “Kids will love the place (Callaway). And we’re making plans to use Callaway as a site for destination weddings. Can’t you just imagine what Scarlett O’Hara felt like?”

Plantation memories aren’t all that Georgia has to offer “non-minorities,” state tourism officials said. “Think of our Civil War prison camps, for example. What camp was any worse or more famous than Andersonville? Or, how about Stone Mountain, just outside Atlanta? What a huge draw.”

“What more could a White guy and his family wish for than what they’ll find in Old Georgia,” a tourism official remarked. “Vacation like it’s 1921.”

BONUS FEATURE: Egypt Says Suez Canal Closure May Be Due to “Human Error”; We Have Our Suspicions Who, Exactly, Screwed the Pooch

SUEZ, Egypt (Rueters) — The head of the Suez Canal Authority told journalists over the weekend that strong winds were “not the only cause” for the Ever Given cargo super-ship running aground in the Suez Canal, blocking passage through the critical waterway for more than 300 other container ships.

Appearing to push back against conflicting assessments offered by others, Lt. Gen. Osama Rabei said an investigation was ongoing but did not rule out human or technical error.

Bernhard Schulte Shipmanagement maintains that their “initial investigations rule out any mechanical or engine failure as a cause of the grounding.” However, at least one initial report suggested a “blackout” — possibly human — struck the hulking vessel carrying some 20,000 containers at the time of the incident.

Rabei said he remained hopeful that dredging could free the ship without having to resort to removing its cargo, but added that “we are in a difficult situation, it’s a bad incident.”

Meanwhile, Egyptian security forces actively were pursuing leads the Panama-flagged vessel, one of the world’s largest, had been boarded and hijacked by international terrorist clowns, apparently “none of whom know a good goddamn thing about steering a floating office building through a narrow waterway,” a security source told Rueters.

“His Nibs is no amateur,” officials explained. “The Americans believed he trained the Somali pirates who captured Tom Hanks’s ship, the Alabama, back in 2013 and has been pissed off ever since he didn’t get a movie deal. He always works with a team of clown specialists. They’re all very dangerous but, if you ask me, not all that bright, especially His Nibs.”

“May Allah help us if these criminals have taken control of the Ever Given.” Rabei told Rueters. “They obviously don’t know how to drive the damn thing and they’ll do what they can to hold hostage a huge piece of commercial shipping traffic until they get what they want, the latest PlayStation.”

The world waits.

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