Striking out on their own — well not entirely — Harry and Meg Windsor, aka Duke and Duchess of Sussex, are looking to leave all that royal-bashing behind in London and seek their fortune in 14th Colony. Having commissioned Deloitte & Tush to map out an investment strategy that combines resurrecting popular but defunct Canadian brands with “innovative ways” of serving underdeveloped communities, royal nitwits believe this approach will show other millennials how to succeed in business while not risking multi-million-pound annual allowance from the Queen. How fearless of them.
January 11, 2020
By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, Body Doubles for Lev and Igor
“Democracy Dies in Darkness…and in the Well-Lighted Oval Office, too”
LONDON (Rueters) – Discussions regarding future plans for Britain’s Prince Harry and wife Meg are progressing well and should conclude within days not weeks, “but not f—ing soon enough for Her Majesty,” a longtime palace insider told Rueters on Saturday.
The couple, officially known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, blindsided the rest of the royal family on Wednesday — and especially earned the ire of the Queen — by unexpectedly announcing they would be stepping back from their roles to spend more time in North America and earn an income. But they shouldn’t be mistaken for entrepreneurs or risk-takers, royal watchers commented.
The pair made clear that they intend to remain ‘”royal” patrons of charities, take part in some royal activities, and most importantly of all, continue to receive money from Harry’s father, the Prince of Wales, who in turn receives most of his income from the royal body, the Duchy of Cornwall. Even the Sussexes themselves have acknowledged publicly they’re only potentially relinquishing five percent of their existing income. The remaining 95 percent is estimated at six million pounds yearly, royal sources told Rueters.
They did not consult Harry’s grandmother, Queen Elizabeth, or other members of the royal family before making their surprise announcement on a new website, a move seen as a public slap-in-the-face of the 93-year-old monarch. “The Queen is now asking why she has to support their Royal Highnesses,” one commentator said. “I hope their business ideas for Canada are good, for the good of their family. I’m dubious, though.”
And he may have good reason to be, based on an independent evaluation commissioned by Rueters of Harry and Meg’s leaked 2020-2024 business plan.
“First thing they think will work is another Tim Horton’s Coffee Shop,” said Ian-Pierre Cameron, owner of Cameron’s Consulting & Stuff, which studied the previously undisclosed Sussex business plan earlier this week. “Canada needs another Tim Horton’s like America needs another Cheesecake Factory.”
But the Sussexes were determined to open the renowned coffee shop in Toronto, critics be damned.
Other business ideas being pursued by the clueless royals include reviving a number of defunct brands, Cameron told Rueters, including the resurrection of beloved retail outlets “Honest Ed’s” and “Zellers.”
Both stores succumbed to the power of Amazon and online shopping generally, “Yet here we are, trying to raise the dead,” Cameron said.
A London favorite, Marks & Spencer, operated in Canada until 1999 when a combination of big-box stores and the growth of online forced the company to close.
“Inexplicably, Harry and Meghan think this is another opportunity for their portfolio. They must have seen this poster (right) and thought it was a great idea,” Cameron told Rueters.
The Sussexes aren’t forgetting Canada’s technology roots, either, as they map their investment future. A once-dominant telecommunications firm, Nortel, and a pioneering tech time-sharing service straight out of the 1960s (and gobbled up by the No-China-News Agency, Reuters), IP Sharp Associates, will be restarted and generously funded, according to the royal business plan.
And starting another airline in Canada? Would that work? “Somewhere along the way, they (HRHs) fell in love with aviation. Deloitte found the graveyard for Greyhound Air. Remember that trainwreck? Well, they could be back,” Cameron said.
“But their best idea yet?” Cameron asked. “Waterparks. But not just any waterparks. Inflatable waterparks in the Northwest Territories and Yukon, on Great Bear Lake and the Yukon River. You know, where it’s ice-covered 10 or 11 months of the year. Global warming can’t possibly happen fast enough to save these royal idiots,” Cameron said.