Reluctant to start a ground war with Iran over its alleged bombing of Saudi Arabia’s enormous oil production facility, and even more determined to remain outside the Iranian nuclear pact, President Trump and aides are devising “uniquely American” penalties — where economic sanctions have failed to achieve desired results — designed to convince the Islamic Republic to change its militant ways.
September 18, 2019
By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, Under No Legal Obligation to Tell the Truth
“Democracy Dies in Darkness…Keep Him Away From the Switch!”
LOS ANGELES/JEDDAH (Rueters) — With heavy economic sanctions on Iran having reached the limits of their effectiveness, President Trump is contemplating the use of untried “devious, unprecedented and uniquely American” options — including biological, judicial and cultural — to force the Islamic Republic into normalized relations with its Mideast neighbors, Europe and the US.
Trump and senior aides are looking for ways — short of a ground war — to force Iran back into line after a major Saudi Arabian oil production facility was bombed over the weekend in what Saudi investigators said was “almost certainly” an attack launched from Iranian territory.
“There are many options. There’s the ultimate option and there are options that are a lot less than that. Some that have never been tried before and should prove very effective. Our adversaries should take special note. And we’ll see,” Trump told reporters in Los Angeles Wednesday. “I’m saying the ultimate option meaning go in — war.”
Rueters has received from an anonymous source a list of potential penalties to be levied against Iran, most of which are non-economic and have not been used in the past as “sanctions,” a longtime White House observer said, adding he wasn’t sure many of them were even legal.
“Iran is a unique challenge,” said one administration official involved in the discussions of untried sanctions. “Its economy is now officially shit. Everything is in short supply. Its currency isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on and the regime — well fed and protected — doesn’t care. We need something that will get them to stop inciting conflict throughout the region.”
As part of the new strategy of US pressure on Iran, Trump ordered the Justice Department, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Homeland Security, the Treasury Department and Fox News to “substantially increase sanctions on the country of Iran.”
The Orange Menace informed reporters the multitude of unspecified, punitive measures would be unveiled within 48 hours. Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, Saudi Arabia’s de facto ruler, said the devastating strike against the country’s largest oil production facility was a “real test of the global will” to confront subversion of the international order.
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, who met Prince Mohammed in Jeddah to discuss the crisis, said the attacks would be a major focus of next week’s annual U.N. General Assembly meeting and suggested Saudi Arabia could make its case there. He called the attacks “an act of war.”
While Saudi Arabia is preparing its case against Iran for the United Nations, the White House is wrestling with a somewhat dubious list of additional sanctions to impose (listed below, with off-the-record comments from a senior aide). Among them:
Flood Iranian borders with Central American immigrants. “You know we have something like a million Hispanics on our southern border. Let’s give them something to do, something to give the little bastards hope they can get in. We’ll tell them it’s a ‘Persian Holiday,’ paid for by their friends in the White House,” the aide told Rueters.
Infiltrate Iranian cities with California’s homeless. “Kills two birds with one stone, doesn’t it? California’s real estate values increase and Iranian leaders can’t go anywhere without being hit up for cash.”
Transport hundreds of Brooklyn’s measles cases to Tehran. “Measles is a great place to start and who better than Orthodox Jews to spread them? What else can we drop on the Iranians? Shingles? That’s popular this time of year.”
Impose negative interest rates. “Coming to a bank near you, America! So why can’t Iranians learn from us how a hundred bucks in your savings account could turn to fifty over the course of a year? That may be happening already, though.”
UNPRECEDENTED WHITE HOUSE STRATEGY TAKING SHAPE
“Extradite these people to the Islamic Republic. Let the ayatollah deal with them and maybe he’ll see reason.” — President Trump to top aides
U.S. Rep. Ilhan Omar, D-MN, one of four notorious House members known as “the squad,” and a vocal and persistent critic of all things Trump
R. Kelly, lowlife predator and pedophile
Harvey Weinstein, lowlife predator and misogynist
“The Mooch” (Anthony Scaramucci), once a favored acolyte, today a hated turncoat
Rachel Maddow, her advice to “watch what they do, not what they say” really pisses off Trump World
Brett Kavanaugh, not strongly favored by Trump to be extradited, but the “Honorable I Like Beer” would confuse the regime, or so it’s argued
Corey Lewandowski, even Trump thinks this guy’s a prick and would give the ayatollah ulcers
Lori Loughlin (“Aunt Becky” to millions of television viewers), seen in US Marshal’s mug shot for role in Varsity Blues college admissions scandal; White House believes she could wreak havoc on small, relatively defenseless Iranian university system by launching multiple scams to win admissions for two nitwit daughters
Sean Hannity, like Kavanaugh not really a favored Trump pick for extradition, but it’s argued he could be an effective distributor of disinformation to the Iranians as he is to US audiences of his horrible radio and television programs. Seen here with his consigliore, Michael Cohen, who’s indisposed the next few years.