IF YOU THOUGHT IT WAS THE FUCKING TOWER, THINK AGAIN, AMERICA. IT’S ALL IN THEIR DNA!

By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker of BuzzFeed

“If BuzzFeed Reports It, There’s A Chance It Could Be True”

putin thumbs up 2  Image result for trump thumbs up

Putin signals to Trump, “Cousin Donny,” and Trump responds in turn – with an air kiss – to Putin, “Cousin Vlad,” secret results of “Boris and Me” DNA tests leaders took at Helsinki Summit, 2018.  Reuters Photo by AM Koppelkinsky, Moscow Bureau.

Presidents Donald Trump of the United States and Vladimir Putin of Russia have sought to keep under wraps surprising results of secret DNA tests the two leaders took in Helsinki in 2018 during one of their unprecedented one-on-one private sessions.

BuzzFeed has learned, however, findings show the men are fourth cousins, sharing a great-great-great-grandfather, Vladimir Trumpkin, a moonshine-vodka distributor of some means who spent most of his 91 years in the Black Sea fishing village of Trumpingrad.

Trump, whose great-grandfather Chaim abbreviated the spelling of the family surname after emigrating to the New York City borough of Queens in the mid-19th century, has told friends he often heard during family dinners as a youth he might have a little Russian in him.  Turns out, according to BuzzFeed, it could be a big Russian.

Anonymous sources (the only kind that ever agree to speak with BuzzFeed) with knowledge of the tests said this week Trump and Putin agreed to use the DNA-analysis product “Boris and Me” reportedly because it provides definitive results in near real time.

Both having ducked away once for 15 minutes during the high-profile Helsinki Summit, sources said, Putin and Trump supposedly wanted to know whether there may be a family connection between them.  Putin, as a young KGB agent, reportedly told Kremlin associates he had heard family rumors he might have “schmuck” relatives whose ancestors “turned their back on Mother Russia” and moved to the US.  Putin told friends there was no further contact between the two branches of the family after the break more than 150 years ago.

During multiple occasions in 2015 and 2016, each time between Trump’s campaign rallies, these sources said, the two men met privately in Moscow to discuss construction of a Trump Tower and its $50 million penthouse for Putin.

At one of the meetings they began comparing sketchy details of their family histories, a witness told BuzzFeed.  “Putin said Trumpkin was an old family name on his mother’s side.  It wasn’t long before they suspected where their family ties had crossed.  A DNA test would confirm their hopes, so they agreed to do it next time they got together.

“A real fucking ‘Roots’ moment.  I’m surprised it never made it into the Steele Dossier, you know, the one with the pee-pee tape,” the source said referring to the collection of juicy and obscene Trump tales that Special Counsel Robert Mueller III is expected to confirm is 100 percent accurate.

“Boris and Me” is a Russian DNA-testing product developed by the same team of chemists who designed and delivered to the KGB the deadly nerve agent Novichok, so Putin trusts it.  Putin supposedly likes to keep a sample of “Novi” at his office and residence “just in case,” aides have said.  He often uses “Boris and Me” to “disprove” he has fathered more children than Ivan the Terrible, a Putin friend told BuzzFeed.

boris and me 1 (002)

The DNA kit is unique in that it produces results with a 99.99 percent accuracy – in real time, according to information on its Web site.  A Kremlin source who helped administer the secret Helsinki tests told BuzzFeed, “Is simple.  You take dumpsky into box.  Boom, you get green light within five minutes.  Light means results ready to read.”

Putin apparently had trouble producing the required sample on demand, the Kremlin source said.  “Hillary Clinton always said Putin full of shit.  Maybe not so much, da?”   Trump, on the other hand, was no trouble.  “All Putin had to do was look mean at Donny.  Next thing, Trump had sample in pants!  Was very funny.”

Democratic leaders have pledged to use the DNA test results during impeachment procedures, claiming Trump had chosen to follow instructions from his distant cousin – now a close friend – rather than those from House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

For their part, GOP leaders didn’t see what the big deal was.  “Everyone likes to find long lost relatives on these crazy DNA sites,” said a spokesman for Senate Majority Lead Mitch McConnell (R-KY).  “Just ask the cousin of the ‘Golden State Killer’.”

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