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PUTIN PRAISES TRUMP’S FIRST HUNDRED DAYS

April 29, 2025

By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, Founders of ‘GoFundMe’ Drive for Hooters

“Democracy Dies in Darkness…and It’s Not Looking So Great in the Oval”

MOSCOW (Rueters) – In a widely anticipated interview Monday with the pro-Russian Tucker Carlson Network, would-be Soviet premier Vladimir Putin had nothing but compliments to offer the Orange Menace upon completing “an extraordinary 100 days” to begin his second term in the White House.

The Russian president-for-life told interviewer Carlson, “Donald is little unpredictable at times, but generally he’s maintained steady course in following Russian policies. We expect his negotiators will give us all of Ukraine, not just Crimea, drop all sanctions, and let Russian people start eating Big Macs again.”

“Well, he’d better. He’s got a Black Sea resort and casino riding on it,” the 72-year-old Russian leader explained to Carlson who nodded knowingly.

Speaking through an interpreter, Putin proclaimed No. 47’s destruction of the American economy and a functioning federal government “in such a short time is absolute triumph. It has been extraordinary 100 days, a pleasure to watch.”

Russian President and accused war criminal Vladimir Putin reminds Tucker Carlson who’s in charge as he points out infrared dot in middle of Carlson’s forehead during Kremlin interview April 28, 2025. (Rueters photo via Western Union)

“To my way of thinking, only he could have accomplished this. How? Is old Russian proverb, Tucker: ‘Is big difference between shaking things up and fucking things up.’ Donald never understood.”

When asked by Carlson whether he, too, would trust billionaire Elon Musk to downsize the Russian government, as Trump has done in Washington, Putin snorted, calling the South Africa-born founder of Tesla a “pekervud” who had no experience with government and would “most certainly use his role in any administration for his own benefit.”

Putin explained he personally had no objections to anyone using government to enrich himself. “Some of my best friends are billionaires. Hell, I’m billionaire, all thanks to Russian people, but we don’t go around making a spectacle of ourselves.”

Putin acknowledged he was “confused” by debate over the fate of deported US resident Kilmar Abrego Garcia who was erroneously taken by immigration officials in March and placed in a notorious El Salvador prison. “Never happen in Russia. If we want someone gone, he’s gone. Donald shouldn’t be afraid of judges. I’m not. They all work for me. This is lesson maybe he is learning.”

Putin did add, however, he didn’t see any reason to exile or deport children, despite their gang affiliation or criminal records. “I don’t understand Donald’s thinking on this.”

Five-year-old “Mikey” is seen April 22, 2025, waiting to be deported by ICE to Greenland. While born in the US, Mikey (gang name “Bones”) has been designated a current and likely future gang member, according an ICE profiler. His current gang insignias, ICE told Rueters, indicate he’s a junior member of the notorious Lion Kings criminal cartel of south central Lincoln, Neb. “Let Greenland deal with him,” an ICE spokesman told Rueters. “We’ll never have to.” (Rueters photo via “America’s Most Wanted”)

Said Putin, “Okay, maybe they’re little gang members today, but tomorrow we think they could be Heroes of the Soviet Union. That’s what I hope, anyway. Donald isn’t thinking ahead.”

The former KGB agent praised the Orange Menace’s appointment of two-toned Tulsi Gabbard as US Director of National Intelligence, a controversial appointment confirmed in a close Senate vote, 52-48.

Separated at birth?

“Tulsi is wonderful,” Putin swooned. “I’ve known her for years. We talk all the time. We have no secrets. Well, she doesn’t, anyway.”

Putin saved perhaps his strongest comments for No. 47’s new Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, confirmed in the Senate by a 51-50 vote with the vice president breaking the tie. “Guy is unbelievable. I had cocktails with him when he was with Fox. There’s Russian term, ‘sil’no p’yanyy,’ which basically means ‘massive drunk.’ That’s Hegseth.”

“Does nonsense with Signal chat sound like work of sober person?” Putin wondered aloud during the TCN interview. “And he let his wife and brother in (on the details for attacking Houthi rebels)? We expect to see more insanity from this guy. Donald might want to pump up DefCon level. That’s a joke – but maybe he should think about it. Seriously. Maybe good idea. Really.”

Overall, Putin concluded, the Orange Menace, since taking office Jan 20, 2025, has debilitated the US economically, put “amateurs and zealots” in charge of major federal agencies and alienated the country’s historical and loyal allies.

“We’re especially happy with undermining NATO. We never liked them,” he told Carlson. “Do you really think Donald gives two shits about Lithuania or other Baltics, for example? Will he go to war for them?”

“Depends how badly he wants development in Sochi.”

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Early Draft of Trump’s Tariff Plan Revealed in Major White House Leak

Experts Tell Rueters It Didn’t Make Sense Then, Either

WASHINGTON (Rueters) – A first draft of the Orange Menace’s “tariff-the-world” plan has been leaked to Rueters. Economists told us it shows his “complete and astonishing” lack of understanding of how tariffs function in the modern globalized economy. Psychologists told us No. 47’s mental state “is a helluva a lot worse than we thought.”

The OM’s commitment to tariffs has been a constant since his first run for president launched in 2015. But his implementation of them — as well as how big they are and to whom they’re targeted — has fluctuated virtually daily since being announced several weeks ago, causing havoc in world financial markets and deep dismay and doubt of his leadership, a recent Rueters/Aesop’s poll shows.

“The guy’s fucking clueless when it comes to how tariffs work. He’s never understood that, in the end, it’s consumers – read: American voters – who pay the tariffs, not the countries where the goods are produced,” said economist Andrew M. Smoot, a descendant of Reed Smoot, Utah Republican senator, whose Smoot-Hawley Act of 1930, imposing widespread tariffs, is generally blamed for worsening the Great Depression. “Has this moron learned nothing,” Smoot told Rueters. “Even penguins get it.”

Medical professionals were less kind when discussing the Orange Menace’s psychological profile based on the tariff diagram. “A moron? For sure,” a Yale psychiatrist who asked to remain anonymous told Rueters in an interview. “Can he think on his own? Defend his own opinions? Stick with a strategy? Formulate a strategy?”

“Or does he just surround himself with ass-kissers and those on the fringes? He seems to spout the last thing whispered in his ear or the opposite of something he said earlier that generates a backlash. We know the answers to all those questions,” the Yale specialist said.

Another mental health expert who has studied all 45 men occupying the Oval Office told Rueters, “All great presidents have known their own mind. Trump doesn’t have much to work with as is evident from his so-called tariff plan. Guy can’t even spell it right much less devise something that works.”

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IN MEMORIAM

Hvaldimir, a beloved beluga believed to have escaped a past life as a Russian spy, was found dead in September in what global animal rights organizations say were “unnatural” circumstances. The 3,000-pound white whale was found splattered on a Moscow street in front of a popular tourist hotel. Authorities told Rueters “Hvlad” accidentally fell from a 12th-story window.

The beluga — whose name combines the Norwegian word for whale (hval) and Russian President Vladimir Putin’s first name — rose to international prominence after he was discovered by fishermen off the coast of Norway in 2019 wearing a camera harness that read “Equipment St. Petersburg. If lost, call Vlad.”

From Newsmakerblog Archives (May 1, 2019):

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