From Newsmakerblog’s America Files: MLB Promotion Nights Come Full Circle; Steele and Mueller Had It Right All Along; One Invasive Species That’s Not So Golden

From infamous “Disco Demolition Night” — complete with explosions, dense smoke and panicked fans — at Chicago’s Comiskey Park 42 years ago, to gunfire outside Nationals Park in DC July 18th, MLB has had its share of creepy, bizarre and more than a little scary promotions to put asses in seats. See how Nats management responds to real-life Wild West Show outside its doors and what they’re doing to keep fans happy and safe.

We all knew where there’s smoke there’s fire — and with investigations and subsequent reports by one-time MI6 officer Christopher Steele and Special Counsel Robert Mueller, turns out there was plenty of both. Here comes Kremlin to clear things up for us. And yes, Orange Menace is several bricks short of a load. But don’t take our word for it. Finest minds in Russian intelligence, led by you know who, had it right all along.

Finally, we cross paths with next existential threat to planet, an invasive species so bizarre and deadly — yet from such a cozy, domestic setting — it’s hard to take it all that seriously. But, beware the golden death.

July 29, 2021

By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, Too Clean and Sober To Join Russian Olympic Committee

“Democracy Dies In Darkness….And With The Menace of Mar-a-Lago”

WASHINGTON (Rueters) — Join us in the “Wayback Machine” as we explore the evolution of Major League Baseball’s fan promotions and how they’ve pretty much come full circle, at least in terms of gunpowder and fire power.

As the 1970s came to an end, the age of disco was also nearing its finale. But for all its decadence and overexposure, disco didn’t quite die a natural death by collapsing under its own weight. Donna Summer, the Bee Gees, Gloria Gaynor, KC and the Sunshine Band and many other disco acts still had plenty left in their tanks.

No, instead, disco would have to be killed off in a spectacular — military-inspired — fashion that sent a clear and convincing message to America’s music-loving generations: This has got to stop! And stop it will!

Enter DJ Steve Dahl, a popular Chicago disk jockey and the brains behind “Disco Demolition Night” at Comiskey Park, home of Major League Baseball’s White Sox. It would be disco’s last stand. On July 12, 1979, with tens of thousands of White Sox fans in the stands, Dahl blew up a dumpster full of disco records between games of a doubleheader.  The result was complete chaos, leading to serious injuries, arrests and, perhaps worst of all, the Sox forfeiting the second game scheduled that night.

“Disco Demolition Night” is widely credited or blamed — depending on your perspective — for dealing disco its death blow, what Dahl called “the eradication and elimination of the dreaded musical disease.”

THAT WAS THEN……

In the following decades, baseball fans have been subjected to a range of gimmicks from the goofy to the ridiculous. Who can forget the White Sox’s second act, Margaritaville Night in 1983?

Promoting alcohol at public events? Always a winning strategy. What could possibly go wrong? According to Chicago police, plenty. Dozens of arrests for alcohol-induced bad conduct, fights, injuries, generally obnoxious behavior — your basic family reunion.

And who could forget the Minnesota Twins’ Jesse “The Body” Ventura Bobblehead Night in 2003 honoring the former one-term governor and all he did to promote — himself?

Or how about News Corp chief executive Rupert Murdoch Bobblehead Night honoring the founder of Fox Sports by the Los Angeles Dodgers during the team’s winning World Series run in 2020?

All memorable events and maybe kind of out of the mainstream, yet baseball team owners, always looking for that extra edge when it comes to selling tickets, were willing to try anything — and still do.

Take a recent promotion at Orioles Park at Camden Yards in Baltimore. Hawaiian Shirt Day. Only two sizes — Medium and Not Nearly Big Enough — but they gave the crowd a tropically colorful look that stretched across tens of thousands of seats.

HAWAIIAN SHIRT DAY! Baseball fans Ben and Jerry Venuto earlier this month enjoy father-son outing at Camden Yards displaying latest in sports wear fashion, Hawaiian shirts, courtesy of the O’s. (Photo courtesy Fuzzy Koppelman Images)

THIS IS NOW……

“Bulletproof Vest Night” at Nationals Park

In keeping with a long tradition of baseball promotions — yet staying in sync with these dangerous times when something like 316 people in the US are shot EVERY DAY! — the Nationals looked north on Interstate 95 to Baltimore for inspiration and found they could do the Orioles one better. Hawaiian shirts? Fuck that. This is DC, not Charm City. Our homicide rate’s up 45% — IN JUST ONE YEAR!

Fans practice safe evacuation of Nationals Park July 20th during “I just fucking heard gunshots!” drill. (Rueters photo)

But will Nats fans return to the baseball park? “We expect they will,” said one team executive who asked to remain anonymous. “Three reasons: First, no one died. Second, they now have bulletproof vests. Third, uh, no one died.” What’s to worry about, then?

KREMLIN CLEARS UP THE MYSTERY OF 2016: JUST HOW THE FUCK DID THIS IDIOT GET ELECTED?

MOSCOW (Rueters) — Vladimir Putin personally authorized a secret spy agency operation to support a “mentally unstable” Donald Trump in the 2016 US presidential election during a closed session of Russia’s national security council, according to leaked Kremlin documents reviewed by Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker of Rueters.

The key meeting took place in the Kremlin on 22 January 2016, the papers suggest, with the Russian president, his spy chiefs and senior ministers all present. “Da,” Putin told the assembled team of Kremlin leaders. “Donald Fredovitch must beat bitch (former Secretary of State Hillary) Clinton. I can’t stand her. She knows too much,” Putin was said to have told his inner circle.

“Trump is mentally unstable. He knows nothing,” Putin insisted. “He is best chance for Russia’s future if he gets into White House. And, Oh Tolstoy! Have we got kompromat or what? Does anyone remember pee-pee tape? It’s real, comrades. I assure you.”

The Kremlin papers seen by Rueters investigative reporting team largely support findings made by a former MI6 (British intelligence) agent and Russia expert Christopher Steele whose infamous “dossier” on Trump’s behavior in Moscow was turned over to the FBI during the 2016 campaign.

When then-FBI Director James Comey informed the newly-elected president in a November 2016 meeting at Trump Tower in New York that Putin had compromising information on the Orange Menace, Comey later reportedly told colleagues, “I could hear a squeaking noise. Wasn’t sure what it was, at first. Turns out it was Trump’s sphincter tightening.”

Putin’s team agreed a Trump White House would help secure Moscow’s strategic objectives, among them “social turmoil” in the US and a weakening of the American president’s negotiating position.

It was agreed that Trump would be advised through intermediaries — including campaign chairman Paul Manafort and son Donald Trump Jr. — exactly what compromising information and material the Russians had on the New York real estate magnate. “That should get Orange Boy’s attention,” Putin told the meeting.

Russian President For Life Vladimir President reminds then-US President Donald Trump at 2018 Helsinki Summit of meaning of kompromat and precisely what the Kremlin had on No. 45. (Rueters photo)

Russia’s three spy agencies were ordered to find practical ways to support Trump, in a decree appearing to bear Putin’s signature.

By this point Trump was the frontrunner in the Republican Party’s nomination race.

A report prepared by Putin’s expert department recommended Moscow use “all possible force” to ensure a Trump victory.

Western intelligence agencies are understood to have been aware of the documents for some months and to have carefully examined them.

The report is classified as secret, Rueters confirmed. It says Trump is the “most promising candidate” from the Kremlin’s point of view. But a brief psychological assessment of Trump describes him as an “impulsive, mentally unstable and unbalanced individual who suffers from an inferiority complex”.

The Kremlin report confirms Russian intel agencies – also including Putin himself – possess kompromat, or potentially compromising material, on the future president, collected – the document says – from Trump’s earlier “non-official visits to Russian Federation territory.” Those would include, potentially, his activities during the Miss Universe Pageant in Moscow in 2013 and later discussions with Putin associates of the possible construction of a Trump hotel in the Russian capital long sought by Trump and his company.

The paper refers to “certain events” that happened during Trump’s trips to Moscow. Security council members are invited to find details in appendix five, at paragraph five, the document states. It is unclear what the appendix contains, but we have our suspicions.

Below is an internal summary of the Kremlin’s findings regarding Trump’s personality, bad behavior and complete unsuitability for the highest office in the US. In other words, why the Kremlin thought he’d be perfect for the job (translation follows):

Comrades, we have here before us an unprecedented opportunity to virtually guarantee a bright future for Mother Russia if we properly play our rooks and pawns. For some inexplicable reason, Americans this year [2016] are seriously considering electing a complete imbecile for president. He is best known as a “reality TV” star, although we believe he only had one line: “You’re fired.” Maybe that’s all he could remember. This man is Donald Fredovitch Trump, a man who cheats at everything because he believes he can get away with it every time. He has cheated investors, employees, contractors — American working proletariat — and his customers; he has cheated on all of his wives, as well. But the worst of it, comrades? The son of a Siberian slut even cheats at golf! Unforgivable! And we have pictures, videos and recordings of his illicit behavior. Soon he will know it. We will help him win the White House. And he will help us. We guarantee it. We got Crimea without firing a shot. How does Florida sound to you, comrades? (Translation courtesy Democratic National Committee)

“Russia, if you’re listening,” Trump once called out during the 2016 campaign. Yes, they were, and he listened back.

DEAR NEWSMAKERBLOG READER: No gold medal here

The US has been dealing with the harmful and sometimes disastrous effects of invasive species — plants and animals alike — since the 1800s. (Isn’t that what Native Americans would consider those of us of European descent?) Here are a few other invaders to refresh your memory:

Now, this: In the old days, if a goldfish became sick or the parents got tired of taking care of the kid’s pet, we’d do the right thing and flush the little fucker down the crapper.

Traditional method of disposing of unwanted goldfish. (Photo courtesy Audubon Society)

In recent times, however, our kinder, gentler nation has taken to depositing the harmless little guys into rivers and lakes. Be free! Unfortunately, goldfish really, really like big reserves of fresh water. And why not? They’ve spent most of their lives in a damn fish bowl eating tiny flakes of junk left on the surface — when junior remembered to feed them. So, here they are, free to roam and eat at their leisure, provided they don’t run into a snakehead, we suppose. And what happens if they escape the larger, hungrier predators of the river or lake? Take a look:

And Finally, Here’s What Caught Our Eyes Recently:

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One Comment

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  1. More brilliant satire,Jim, and even getting better, dare I say. Did you know that the rock group PHISH actually emerged after a toilet was flushed? As for the ChiSox, remember owner Bill Veeck (as in wreck) and his promotional stunts?

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