May 4, 2021
By Andrew Squibley and Arthur Bushwhacker, Reminded Romney He Really Did The Right Thing — Twice
“Democracy Dies in Darkness…Speaking of Which, Whatever Happened to Steve Case and Jerry Yang?”
WASHINGTON (Rueters) — President Joe Biden wants us to give up red meat in an effort to reduce climate-killing greenhouse emissions of farting cows — or so the fake news went. But Rueters has uncovered evidence Biden has, in fact, another approach to solving the same intractable problem of flatulent bovines while supporting Americans’ love of beef: Roadkill.
Thousands of times a year, all around the United States, motorists inadvertently smash into wildlife like mule deer, bears, elk, pronghorn antelope, armadillos, white-tail deer, even the occasional alligator, littering highway rights-of-way with carcasses that sometimes include dozens or hundreds of pounds of fresh, lean, edible meat. Tender, juicy red meat. Okay, except for gators, which taste like chicken.
In most states, motorists have been prohibited from carting off dead critters. But now, all bets are off.
Biden’s White House has introduced proposed federal legislation — dubbed “Eat at Joe’s” — allowing motorists who inadvertently kill wildlife to retrieve the remains to feed their friends and families.
FROM FARM TO TABLE? Not exactly, but from Wyoming’s US Route 14 to Biden’s BBQ works just fine for country’s Grillmaster-in-Chief. “We’ve got plenty of red meat out there without depending on farting cows. Anyone needs a recipe for elk à l’orange, I’m your guy,” No. 46 told Rueters. (Photos by Fuzzy Koppelman Images)
In this era of divided politics, however, the “Eat at Joe’s” proposal hasn’t arrived on Capitol Hill without opposition, most vocally from the Hollywood-based labor organization SAG (Sasquatch Actors Guild). SAG, whose members include the “Messing With Sasquatch” guy, said it fears if the legislation becomes law then motorists will become more aggressive in their hunting for Bigfoot’s famously tasty “oysters.”
“This legislation is dangerous, not just for elk and alligators, but for the endangered Bigfoot community throughout the US,” a SAG spokesman told Rueters. “We think motorists, especially off-roaders, will place a bulls-eye on our — well, you know, our tasty bits — and that’ll be the end of all those tantalizing, and usually fake, Bigfoot sightings. What’s the fun in that?
“Besides,” the spokesman continued, “think of what happened to the buffalo population back in the 1800s. We loved those guys. Party animals? They were the real deal. But once the word got out, all the settlers starting killing them for their oysters, too, leaving the rest of them to rot on the plains. We don’t want to be the 21st Century version of the American buffalo.
“And, by the way, in case you hit and kill a bison, their oysters really are delicious. But then, so are ours,” he conceded.
PUTTING ‘HERB’ IN YOUR HERBS: More states allowing use of human remains in composting; officials caution, though, you just can’t toss dead Uncle Jerry on the compost pile
DENVER (Rueters) — Colorado lawmakers, following an accelerating trend across the US, yesterday approved the use of human remains in compost, what environmentalists are praising as a visionary win-win for both the dead’s relatives and the planet.
Gov. Jared Polis told reporters he would quickly sign the legislation, popularly known as “Tom’s Law” after amateur conservationist Tom Fool who for decades championed the cause of composting with human remains. Ironically, Fool died of food poisoning in 2020 and his remains have become the first to be included in GardenPro’s new human-based Compost & Manure product.
The company said in honor of Fool’s memory it will soon market its new “Now with Tom!” compost in a special bag resembling a tombstone, complete with his real-life epitaph: “Don’t Pity The Fool.”
“Tom gave his all to this cause,” said a spokesman for GardenPro. “It’s the least we can do to honor his memory — and various body parts.”
State Representative Brianna Titone, a Democrat who sponsored the bill, said she had gone to funerals and, seeing burial or cremation as the two options, thought, “I don’t know if I want either one of these things.”
While food scraps and biodegradable utensils are common fodder for compost, human remains can be transformed into soil, too. Quiet experimentation since the mid-1950s with human remains being added to other composting materials has demonstrated the “secret ingredient” in the end product can cause dramatic results, an agronomist with the University of Colorado told Rueters on condition of anonymity.
“You name the plant — herb, flower, crop — they all respond to and thrive from the presence of human remains,” the agronomist said. “We’re not done studying the benefits, but it appears balding retirees in their 60s or 70s for some reason produce the most impressive results. It must be their good genes — or high residual levels of alcohol. We’ve ruled out testosterone.”
From an economic viewpoint, the process of composting remains is far cheaper and much better for the environment than either burial or cremation, Colorado state scientists told Rueters. “Avoiding burial is a no-brainer,” one scientist said. “First, we’re losing too much usable land to the tradition of burying the dead. There are better options.
“Cremation takes a lot of gas or electricity to finish the job, not to mention the resulting air pollution,” he said. “No question, composting is the way to go, reuniting with nature, so to speak.”
But what to do with the body before it’s ready for the compost bag at Lowe’s Garden Center?
Colorado has launched a public awareness campaign reminding residents not to drop their deceased loved ones in the backyard compost pile. “First, it’s disrespectful and just plain gross. Second, it’s against the law. The body has to be registered and properly stored with an authorized agent before it makes it into your garden supplies,” a state scientist explained.
And what happens to someone’s body to be made into compost? The University of Colorado agronomist told Rueters, “You know that poem from ‘Jack and the Beanstalk’ where the giant yells, ‘Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman. Be he alive, or be he dead, I’ll grind his bones to make my bread.’ Yeah, it’s kind of like that.”
“But imagine the fun you can have with kids explaining that Uncle Tom is now in the TOM-atoes, get it?” he told Rueters. “And over here, we have Aunt Rosemary and her rosemary. Trust me, it’ll be great.”
Residents in Louisiana, Kansas, Mississippi, Other Anti Vaxxers Standing Firm Against Benefits of Science, Including Education and – Apparently – Birth Control; Seen as Shoo-In for Largest Darwin Award in History
JACKSON, Miss. (Rueters) — Herd immunity in the United States, a fanciful target to defeat the pandemic if ever there was one, be damned.
Louisiana has stopped asking the federal government for its full allotment of COVID-19 vaccine. About three-quarters of Kansas counties have turned down new shipments of the vaccine at least once over the past month. And in Mississippi, officials asked the federal government to ship vials in smaller packages so they don’t go to waste.
As the supply of coronavirus vaccine doses in the U.S. outpaces demand, some places around the country are finding there’s such little interest in the shots, they need to turn down shipments.
“It is kind of stalling. Some people just don’t want it,” said Stacey Hileman, a nurse with the health department in rural Kansas’ Decatur County, where less than a third of the county’s 2,900 residents have received at least one vaccine dose.
Such sentiment has thrown competition for the Darwin Awards — annual prizes for the most creative ways Americans have employed to remove themselves from the collective gene pool — into a veritable feeding frenzy, to use an insensitive analogy.
“We’ve never seen anything like this,” said Hans Oldchurch, chief executive of the prestigious Darwin Awards Organization. “Imagine, entire communities — entire states, for that matter — putting themselves at risk just to prove, what? They’re invincible?”
“Good lord, if I had a guilder for every time I heard that old canard,” Oldchurch told Rueters. “We look forward to choosing a winner this year. Competition like this hasn’t been seen since our founder, Charles, started awarding prizes back in the mid-1800s.”
The dwindling demand for vaccines illustrates the challenge that the U.S. faces in trying to conquer the pandemic while at the same time dealing with the optics of tens of thousands of doses sitting on shelves when countries like India and Brazil are in the midst of full-blown medical emergencies.
“Absolutely, it’s not a good look for us,” said a spokesman with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “If the Republicans thought they were losing voters before, wait until Covid-19 is done with them.”